Sleepy Time!

First round of chemo is OVER! DONE! FINISHED!

So that makes a few more rounds to go. I'm too tired to count. Enough to last until summer.

But yahoo!

So far the side effects have mostly been fatigue. Which I was warned about. But it's a strong fatigue. I can barely keep my eyes open writing this post right now. The bone pain comes and goes- mostly during the night. The eating still doesn't feel great but I'm managing to keep eating my meals. Nausea is worse in the morning. Really it's like a shitty pregnancy.

Okay maybe way worse than that. Because at least you want to eat if you're pregnant.

So just a quick (and I mean quick!) note to update everyone.

Today I go get my 'blood cell count' boost shot! Woohoo! I'm really nervous they're going to give it to me in an awkward place because every time the nurses referred to it they looked at my bum.

Maybe after the drill episode I'm just having flashbacks.

After this shot going to allow myself another day of laying on the couch and then tomorrow going to try and get up and resume a normal routine.

Sleepy times!

Chemo: My New Day Job

Only two more days (including today) and I am done with this round of treatment for two weeks!

Woooohoooo baby, freedom!

So far my side effects have been increasing on a daily basis but they're not as bad as I thought they'd be. We're up to: loss of appetite, constant nausea, nosebleeds, and bone pain.

Yes. BONE PAIN.

I didn't know that was a thing until now. I didn't realize your bones COULD hurt. But oh, they do. Apparently it's more common in young women. Just like my cancer.

Guess I'm just a special little lady!

But it's okay, they've been feeding me drugs to help ease the pain. They barely work but I birthed a nine pound baby I think I can handle some bone pain. Most of the time. I can't wait to be free and have a break from this. A little freaked out for my 'low blood cell' danger zone week when apparently all the shit hits the fan. Or so they say, in nursing terms.

I guess I'll get a bubble to live in.

But almost to freedom! My chemo job for this week is almost done and then I can enjoy more time with my family. And especially that little boy of mine who is just missing me like crazy.

We had some awesome bonding time during chemo yesterday.

Found this in the gift shop and we had a painting party. Then we cuddled in bed and watched Beethoven. I just love this little guy to pieces. He's doing so well with everything. Probably because I'm doing so well. Better keep that up!

Just a few more months of this chemo job (hopefully- I don't want any surprises!) and I can quit and move on to better horizons.

Cancer was like a big FU to the middle of my routine, my last semester at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, my awesome campus jobs, and most of all- my household. I may not be able to work but I will NOT give up on school. And I haven't. Plugging away like a little solider. Thank goodness for the internet. No one will tell me what I can't do! (Lost reference, anyone?)

But we've been juggling and it's just like any other time consuming job. Off to the chemo mines I go! My mom has been a godsend during this. Love ya momma.  

It will be okay. I know this. And the bright side, by the time my chemo is done it'll be summer and that is when everything is beautiful again. 

And when things get dark and depressing. Because sometimes that's unavoidable. You can't help but look around and go, "WHY ME? Why now? This isn't FAIR!" And that is all true. Because it's not fair. Some stupid dividing cells had to cause havoc in my perfectly ordered and planned life. So what to do when those feelings hit? Call up your oldest and dearest (thanks for driving up!) and have a pudding party.

Chemo Pudding Party!

Take Back Your Power: The Hair Post

Sitting in the room with my oncologist for the first time I remember one of the first questions out of my mouth when she told me I needed intense chemotherapy treatment.

Not, "Will I feel sick? Will I feel tired? What are the health risks? Am I going to die?"

The first words out of my mouth were: "WILL I LOSE MY HAIR?"

There are probably far more important questions I should have asked. There are plenty of very real and very scary chemotherapy risks. But like most women facing a cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy treatment- I was seriously concerned about my hair.

Hair is such an ingrained part of femininity in our culture. A woman's hair becomes her staple, her identity, and the main focal point of her physical appearance.

And our culture sure loves to value physical appearance. Being a feminist, I am aware of these cultural assumptions that I have never agreed with, that I do not believe in, and I resonate with the long held belief that inner beauty is true beauty.

But faced with the reality that I will lose all my hair? My thick, beautiful hair that goes down past my chest? That I might not only lose the hair on my head but eyebrows and eyelashes as well?

I had never felt more ugly. I had never felt more disgusted by what I was about to become. Despite all the feminism I have pumping through my body. Which is in greater amounts than these chemotherapy drugs.

That is one thing we should not forget as feminists. We are not immune to cultural expectations and stereotypes. We are not immune to our own physical expectations, insecurities, and fears. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. We live here too, after all.

Hair is often connected to personality. It is a reflection of a woman's individuality in a shallow world. Redheads are unique and spunky. Blondes are sexy and fun. Brunettes are dark and mysterious. Curly heads are sassy. Straight heads are serious. The list of stereotypes goes on and on and on.

So what are bald chicks? Just sad little cancer patients. Poor little survivor. Poor little chemo duck.

But how to deal with it? How to deal with this blinding fear that hair equals beauty? How to deal with your own self disgust when you KNOW in your bones that the feminism that you believe so deeply knows that to be complete and utter bullshit?

Smash the patriarchy.

This chemo may take my hair, my eyelashes, and my eyebrows. It may make me look pale and weak. It may make my skin dry. It may take away my spot in the conventional beauty myth for the next few months. But these are physical imperfections, considered imperfections by a society that believes physical appearance must come before health and happiness. Killing this tumor is far more important than keeping my hair. And that's what I need to remember. What most cancer patients should remember. We like to hate the chemo because it is destroying our body as it destroys the cancer. But without it we'd just be a big ball of cancer. And that would suck even more.

My hair does not define me. Losing my hair will not change who I am. I will still be a wonderful mother, a compassionate friend, a passionate writer, an empathetic soul, a literary mind, and the awesome individual that I am. My hair loss will not change any of that.

Pro tip: Grieve for your hair. You need to do it. We are women and it is human for us to feel this blinding fear of the unknown that is a big bald head. But bald can be beautiful too. Even writing this I still struggle to believe it but I want to so, so bad. It is the mark of being a fighter, of surviving against this cancer threatening to eat away my body.

And what is more beautiful than that?

I felt more lost about my hair until I went and covered my bases. Yes, bald may be beautiful but I may not be comfortable with that amount of strength when the time comes. And I am on a ticking clock. My doctor gave me about two/three weeks from the start of chemotherapy. So my hair could be taking a quick exit as soon as February 27th. Not that I am counting. (Still human, remember?)

So here are the steps I have taken to keep my confidence in spite of such an earth shattering blow to my femininity.

1. Get some pretty scarves and hats!

A trip to the hippy shop at the mall yielded some excellent results. Pretty, pretty scarves and some nice, soft hemp hats. Pinterest has many, many different head scarf tying ideas so I am sure that will keep me busy when the time comes. I have heard and read that the wigs are hot and can be uncomfortable so I wanted to make sure I was covered in the scarf area. 

2. Go get that damn wig. I know I'll thank myself for that advance preparation later.

I thought shopping for the wig would be a devastating, depressing moment. The finale to my hair funeral. The dark magic to bring the lightening rod of my baldness down on my head.

So not the case. I went with my lovely sister, Angela, and we found a cute wig shop in Green Bay called Voga Wigs. The wig shop was bright and happy. The lady that helped me pick out my wig inspired me with her own survivor story of battling cancer (a way worse kind than mine) and kicking its ass. And she was gorgeous. Her hair came back straight instead of curly, she told me. So I wonder now if my hair will come back curly. I've always wanted curly hair. So hey, maybe that'll be a bright spot. I was surprised at how fast I found my wig. I only needed to try on four before I found the winner.

There are two main wig options. Synthetic or real hair? Synthetic has pros and cons like most things do. Pros: no need to style it everyday because it's already styled and ready to go. Cons: you can't change it. You can't dye it or curl it. I went with synthetic hair because it was cheaper and now I won't have to set aside an hour every morning to do my hair. Plus the real hair didn't look as good which is pretty surprising.

So here is the finished product. It's pretty and matches my own hair pretty well. I didn't get an after cut picture (the wig lady cut it nice and fixed the bangs) but everyone will see it soon enough.

Not bad! This losing the hair thing is a lot easier when you have the choice to slap some hair on your head whenever you like.

So go get that wig if you feel you need it. And do it in advance so that way you won't feel like your hair is just going to fly out of your head and you will be left unprepared. And don't forget to seat belt your wig in when you head home.

Step 3: Go get a haircut. Just do it.

This is the new do- coming soon.

I can sit around and watch the clock. Check the shower drain every morning waiting for the moment to come. Or I can take charge and just chop this shit off now.

It gets to a point that your hair begins to define you too much in treatment. At least for me- fresh smack in the beginning. It's the main focal point of my attention. Every morning I wash it, curl it, and comb it in this state of melancholy obsession. 

Nope. Get rid of it. So when I'm done with my chemo treatments this week I am going to my wonderful stylist who has come to know my hair so well and I am getting it chopped and donated.

I'll make that first step instead of waiting for it to come to me. It's just hair. I'll get rid of it first. Take back your power. Take back your confidence. It's just hair. I'm not going to hang on to the last strand, waiting in vain that chemo won't take my hair. Nooo, not my hair! It will spare me!

Bollocks. It will take my hair. It will come for my hair. So I'm going to beat the sucker to it and take it first. That's part of taking back the power. And it's my hair and therefore, my power.

4. I have heard this suggestion from many people and I think it's the winner. When the hair starts to fall out- just shave it, buzz it, get rid of all of it. But have a hair party first.

If you're a mom, you have to remember that this will be shocking to your kids. Adrian is already freaked out about my hair. When I told him that mom would lose her hair he looked at me and said,"But you will look like a man!"

Yikes kiddo. That hit me right in the ovaries.

But that's still pretty funny. Kids bring out the best inspiration. At least mine does for me. So when the time comes I'm handing that little angelic boy some sharpies, some paint, and some (supervised) scissors and we are going to go to town making my hair as wild and wacky before the final buzz.

It will be a good bonding moment for me and him. And most importantly, will help the transition for him.

And save me from the traumatic Adele listening buzz session in my bathroom that it does not need to be.

Grumpy cat digs the wig. I think it really brings out his eyes. 

Grumpy Grumps

Not everything on this blog is going to be glorious sword fights. The side effects are starting to set in so now I'm feeling a bit grumpy.

Grumpy cat grumpy.

The chemo, being that double sided lovely bitch it is, has stolen my love for junk food.

I have a very loving relationship with junk food. Ask anyone. Taco dip? Yes, please. Hold the veggies and give me Doritos to dip with them. Pizza? Yes, please. Add tons of cheese and ranch. Breadsticks, with more ranch. No veggies. Soda? Yes, all of it. Coffee? As unhealthy and sugary as it gets. Starbucks, preferably. 

And now all that love has been stolen. 

The only thing that sounds good to me is omelettes with ketchup and cheese. So don't worry kids, I'm eating. But it's not fun. And that sucks.

This is the part where we throw in some politics. Medical marijuana for WI? Yes, please. Let's do that. But with our shitty Governor that will never happen.

But back to pizza.

Everyone eat some pizza for me today. Hold up a slice in solidarity. 

And thanks Kim for the awesome robe, it's really helping my grumpy cat, old lady morning that I am having. I'll gear up for some shenanigans later. Miss our jokes at the Bookstore. Miss work in general. Miss school. Miss normality. 

Managing to distract myself. Been re-watching Weeds while I've been getting my chemo pumped into my veins, did all my homework for the week, and later today I am going to work on some poetry that I may or may not share on here. We shall see.

I also have an appointment to chop off the hair next Saturday. I think it's better to chop it, donate it, and then the baldness will come easier. Hair post still coming soon. I need a less grumpy cat frame of mind to write that. Just hang in there. That sounds like a Monday post. Fresh and ready to pour my heart out about my feelings on hair, chemo, fertility, and feminism all in one glorious sword slicing blog post. 

Pizzaaaaaaaaaaaa. I misss pizzzaaaaaaaaaa. But it's cool chemo, just kill that tumor and I'll try not to kill you.

Lindsay the Cancer Slayer!

Well, Risa brought me the most amazing prop today that will help with my cancer mischief.

Ta-Da!!!

I am Lindsay the Cancer Slayer. Which quickly turned into an epic Lightsaber/Sword battle with Grumpy Cat.

Sith Grumpy vs. Lindsay the Jedi Cancer Slayer.

I even made a gif because this was that important. We can do a still picture too for those of you that are prone to seizures. I don't want to cause any seizures. 

Sith Grumpy vs. Lindsay the Cancer Slayer

Notice Sith Grumpy's epic lightsaber and Sith lord hat. Grumpy cat and I have a complicated relationship. Sometimes he gives me comfort and sometimes I feel the need to attack him with a sword. It's okay. I suffer from random cancer rage blackouts. Not really. I just want an excuse to play with this awesome sword. 

Chemotherapy is more fun with visitors and I had some fabulous ones today. First I had some wonderful ladies come visit me:

Me with my lovely ladies- Alicia and Risa

Thanks ladies for the awesome hugs, girl talk, jogging, and beautiful gifts. I might have to sneak that scented candle in between the vital checks. I love you to pieces.

So far I haven't made a quirky chemo friend but the nurses are absolutely lovely. Marci (if you find this blog Marci- you're awesome) brought me an omelette this morning which totally made the big grumpy stick in my ass go away. Sometimes you'll have that. Pity parties are okay if they're brief and followed by either: an omelette or a cancer slaying sword. 

Pro tip: get yourself a chemo sword. 

And the number one visitor I had today:

Making himself at home.

Those faces!

Fight the cancer!

Kiddo had a full on blast visiting me at chemo this afternoon. It was fabulous. He made himself right at home and pushed all the buttons on the hospital bed. We raided the kitchen full of free crackers and he gave the cancer slaying sword a try. 

So far the chemo is going good. Only real side effects I've had are some weird chills and sweats. No real nausea yet but I have lost my appetite. Which sucks but hopefully it will come back. Forcing down some chips as we speak but it's not the same.

Cancer can be a bitch. You get the okay from the nutritionist to eat all the pizza you want and then you don't want any pizza.

But important notes: oncologist says the tumor is dying as we speak, I am handling the chemo better than most do so far, and I have wonderful friends and family to support me through this. Love you all.

I'll have to have another cancer slaying fight tomorrow. 

Chemotherapy: Day One

So far I've been lucky or perhaps the drugs haven't taken the time to really work into my system. The chemotherapy has been pretty easy. Contrary to what I believed beforehand the first round of chemo did NOT make my hair follicles fly out of my head. So that's good news. Nor have I started on fire. Grumpy cat is enjoying all the posing opportunities.

Grumpy Cat Chilling with my Chemo

I felt like I came close to starting on fire though. The first round of the chemotherapy they did, I was warned of a possible allergic reaction some patients have. And of courssssse, I reacted to it. All of a sudden I was sitting peacefully (after the nice calming meds they plunged into my heart tubes) and BAM.

ITCH ITCH ITCH ITCH. It was like having mosquito bites all over your body including the inside of your ears and your throat. ITCH it all!

My entire body broke out in hives and I had the worst kind of itches. Itchy, itchy, itchy!!! So horrible.

But thankfully, they stopped the chemo. Administered some very, very happy drugs and I completely passed out for the entire afternoon so they could finish up on that chemo drug. Grumpy cat went for a nice walk.

Grumpy Cat among the foliage 

So now I have reached a high point of restlessness. I am now on chemo drugs 2 and 3 which will be fed through my chest tubes for 24 hours. And went on a very inappropriate cancer chemotherapy selfie session around the floor. I am limited to the confines of the first floor but tomorrow I might have to break free (with permission, of course) to further my shenanigans.

 So I did a few laps with my awesome IV leash. Being hooked up to this just makes me want to cause some cancer fueled mischief. But the chance for mischief is relatively low. Probably no chance of making a quirky chemo friend. Pretty sure I am the youngest person here which was evident when I saw the sad eyeballs of all the nurses when I first came in. The nurses have been absolutely sweet and wonderful- no issues whatsoever. I met with my nutritionist and she said I can still eat all my junk food so that literally made my day. I might just have to take a bath in taco dip to celebrate. All I need to do is majorly AMP up the protein. Now since I'm a veggie that'll mean just adding yogurt, Boost shakes, yogurt, nuts, etc. to every meal. Should be doable. So YAY for pizza.

But all in all I make chemo look good!

I feel very sporty.

So a few laps around the chemo floor made me realize that I do not have much freedom to roam. So I have a feeling I might be going pretty stir crazy during this whole process. Thankfully, there have been no Exorcist style reactions to the chemo like I expected. My head has not started spinning and projectile vomiting everywhere. So the Google searches were wrong on that. At least so far. I'll be sure to get a picture if I turn into the girl from the Exorcist. Then I will need a young priest and an old priest.

Either way, doing good kids. Minimal side effects so far. The chemo drug I'm hooked up to now causes the hair loss and I can't help but glare at it with an irrational mean girl hate. But it's cool. I have a big blog post coming up on the hair thing but I'm saving that for when I have time to really center myself and write about it. I have lots to say on the subject and I need to make sure I say it right.

Anyways, I'll be good and try not to escape the confines of my chemo floor... Grumpy cat has other ideas but I'm trying to keep him in check. 

Free meeeeee!

Vacay Time

All checked in to chemotherapy and I must say things are pretty posh. Big flat screen TV with DVD player, nice comfy bed that I decked out with my own fuzzy blanket and pillow. Did some mild decorating and made things look a little more impressive.

Decorative scarf to cover up the ugly picture.

Cuteness and further inspiration. Notice Adrian's bubblegum!

Feminist inspiration

.The nurses were very impressed with my decorating on the fly abilities. They're just lucky I didn't bring any vases and wreaths. I was pretty close.

So far not much action except being pumped with some fluids. They hooked up my port to the IV and that was literally no big deal. The most painful part was the alcohol swab. And after that- easy peasy. I really feel like a robot now with all the extra cords, wires, and machines.

Mmm tube

Yeah, the port is no big deal now. Actually is a lot easier so now I'm seeing the logic (fine, fine) of using this instead of poking my arm veins.

So far no chemo drugs, just pumping me full of fluids and letting me sit back and relaaaaax. So yeah, no worries about me kids. This is like a mini vacation for now. They even gave me really, really ugly crunchy feeling slipper socks. So yes, everything the self help cancer books say about bringing all your home comforts is legit advice. Do it. Decorate your room, bring your fuzzy blanket, and all your DVDs. It might have taken a few trips to bring in all my goods but it was worth it. Here are the beautiful free socks:

I'll be here with my computer and Buffy the Vampire Slayer if anyone needs me... Updates to follow later. So far, so good! Will start the first round of chemo drugs in about an hour or so. So no big news yet. Love ya all.