Where is the baldness in popular culture? Survey time! (Movie spoilers lurking in this post!)

So I'm interested in doing a survey. An experiment of sorts. So I'm calling out to all of you in the Bloggersphere and Facebook land.

Here is my question:

Which movies about cancer have you seen someone actually lose their hair? Were they male or female? Which movie?

I'm just curious. There are two of my all time favorite movies about cancer that come to mind.

Fault In Our Stars and Stepmom.

And in neither of these movies do the characters lose their hair.

In Fault In Our Stars we saw Hazel as a child with no hair. Assuming that was during her chemotherapy and then her participation in a clinical trial saved her life. So I'm guessing chemo was no longer necessary at that point.

That makes sense.

And one thing I have noticed: when there's kids with cancer they are always bald. So bald cancer kids are okay but bald cancer adults are not?

But Gus? No chemotherapy for him at all? I find that surprising but I'm no doctor. I get the guy lit up like a Christmas tree during his PET scan but they wouldn't even try a little chemotherapy? Radiation? Why in the hell does this guy get to keep his hair?

LOOK AT THAT PROMO PICTURE! Their full locks of hair piss off my soon to be empty hair follicles. LOSE YOUR GOD DAMN HAIR LIKE THE REST OF US.

I just find it odd that in a movie that is so famously about people with cancer......... all the main characters have their hair.

Even the side characters keep their hair! There is not one baldy in that entire movie with a speaking part!

I really do not feel like that is a reality. Even all the kids in their cancer support group had their hair!

Since now I'm in the cancer club I am now around people quite often that I have cancer as well. Whether this is at chemotherapy, my doctor's visits, classes I've attended.... and so on.

One major thing? No one has any damn hair.

That is the reality.

So why don't popular movies always show that as a reality? Because hair is such a conventional part of beauty? Because we can't have a gorgeous main character be depicted in any way that makes him or her unattractive?

Are we really that shallow?

It appears the movie industry is.

Which is really not surprising. But as someone that is looking down the barrel of hair loss at any moment... it would be nice to see this HUGE part of cancer treatment be included in popular culture.

Cancer is a big cash card for movies and television. They use that to cash in on a disease that kills millions and destroys lives. But survivor stories are great stories- there's no denying that. They touch us. They make us feel such degrees of empathy and admiration for people that battle daily against this disease. It does make for a great story.

So why not include the very real and personal conflicts about hair loss? That is such an important part of this journey.

In Stepmom we have Susan Sarandon diagnosed with cancer which then easily becomes one of the main focal points of the movie. This is a movie I probably won't be able to watch (used to be one of my all time favorites) for awhile since my diagnosis. I just have a feeling it will reduce me to a giant lake of tears. Grab a boat.

But seriously, again this is another famous movie that has a main character with cancer.

AND SHE KEEPS HER DAMN HAIR.

What? Are you serious? All this chemotherapy and she keeps her hair? I find that hard to believe. She's just one of those lucky ones! Lucky Susan Sarandon gets to keep her hair! It makes for better TV to have attractive people in the spot light.

We all know Hollywood doesn't find bald attractive. Unless you're Vin Diesel.

Bald is not attractive if it's a sick bald.

Especially for ladies. We saw in 50/50 the main character played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt shave his head. So yay for accurate representation?

Now being the academic I am we have to think critically about that.

Do you think the gender has anything to do with this? Sorry to get all professor on you but geez, OF COURSE IT DOES. Gender always matters.

So the fact that he shaved his head but Susan Sarandon didn't? One of the most famous and attractive women in Hollywood isn't going to play a bald lady. Just no way.

It could be as something as simple as a director's decision. It really could be.

Or it is something more. Something more complicated about the way popular culture views cancer. Cancer is a badge of heroism in popular culture. But yet these characters are always presented as attractive, healthy, and overall good looking.

Let me tell you something. Cancer doesn't make you glow like you're pregnant. It doesn't give you some type of special C word pretty look. Maybe you glow if you had enough radiation- I really don't know.

But cancer fucks up your appearance. I just went to a class that told me all about how cancer will fuck my looks up.

You lose your hair. You possibly lose your eyebrows and your eyelashes. You gain weight.You lose weight. Your nails could fall off. They could become discolored. Your skin becomes super dry. You get bags under your eyes.

The list goes on and on and on.

It's enough to make anyone, even someone with a nice level of self confidence like myself, freak out a little bit.

So why the hell is this not represented accurately in popular culture?

I want to see a cancer movie get popular that has a main character with no hair. No eyebrows. That looks like hell in a hand basket on their bad days.

I want to see the reality. Not this prettied up version of cancer that sells tickets at the box office.

Cancer is not pretty.

It really isn't. Sure, our strength is beautiful. Our determination is sexy.

Fighters are hot. In all the ways.

We are some sexy cancer bitches.

But seriously. Physically, things are going to get tough. And again, as someone just counting the days down to baldness... I would like to see that baldness reflected accurately in movies about cancer.

Show me the bald people.

Show me reality.

EDIT TO ADD:

My brain can't stop whirling on this!!!

So some people have pointed out television to me. And that's a whole other blog post.

But for examples we have Lynette from Desperate Housewives, Celia from Weeds, and Samantha from Sex in the City showing some baldness during their cancer treatment.

YAY for representing cancer accurately.

But wait..... these ladies all eventually returned to a traditional standard of beauty. Their hair came back and on they went being gorgeous on television.

Oh shit.

That's not really the same now is it?

My theory: television has more flexibility as far as beauty standards go because at some point the character can/will regain their traditional image of beauty that fits in with mainstream pop culture and patriarchy.

And that means: at some point the cancer will go away and they will be pretty again!

It's not an all encompassing thing like being bald in a movie is. It's a short time deal.

But hey, it's something.

Sportin' the logo

Everyone's cancer has a color. The most well known is the PINK PINK PINK for breast cancer awareness.

Well, lymphoma is lime green.

Which personally I think is way cooler. Sorry other ladies, I like my green. I thought it would be fun to have some wacky/inappropriate/funny shirts to wear to chemotherapy. They came today and I'm already giggling at them.

Here's a preview:

Now everything about that is just fun. 

I'm getting used to the new haircut. I'm starting to wonder why I haven't cut my hair short before because oh my goodness it is convenient! I do miss my long hair though but I'm adapting well to the short hair. Just trying to think practical thoughts. 

Not big long sweeping hair thoughts. Sigh.

Any day now my hair will fall out so now we're just playing the waiting game. In The Hair Post, I detailed my feelings on that. The instant I find it coming out I will call my brother and we will buzz this shit off. Rip the band aid off. JUST DO IT.

It's harder to feel strong as the time comes. I think it is partially going to be a devastating moment. Our hair defines us in so many ways. But like I said before, I just need to remind myself that I am more than hair. We all are. We are going to make it into all these crazy shapes and designs to make it more fun. My son can participate and I think he will like that. We can do a mohawk!

In that spirit, I was able to borrow a wig from the cancer society. They didn't have the best selection (see previous wig mullet post) but I did manage to find one fun one. 

Grumpy cat is just poking in to question my redhead and pink  shirt choices. But I think this could have possibilities. I put a little hippy headband in it and that really helped pull the look together. It's a bit 70s but I think it's cute. Variety is good. 

Speaking of variety, I feel like I'm falling down a cliche cancer rabbit hole.

I bought a blender to make healthy smoothies. And now I'm considering yoga to help keep somewhat fit in between all this couch sitting and resting. 

Yoga and smoothies?!

What is this strange world?!

I do miss coffee. I miss the idea of it so much but whenever I try to drink it my entire body wants to vomit and seizure. WHY!?!

Oh well. Being healthy isn't a bad thing. But I find it rather unfair that the moment I have doctors and nutritionists telling me to stock up on calories that NOW I want fruit.

Whateves.  

Birthday Mania!

Hey everyone, do you like my new wigs?

Look it's Shirley Temple!!! I'm the redheaded stepchild!!

 What time is it? Mullet time!!!!

I really liked this color. It's sassy and fun! I was able to borrow one that looks similar in color but just shaped a lot more flattering. Sometimes I might just feel like being a red head!

Ahhhh! All those gray hairs came in! I knew they would the instant I turned 28!!!!

I was lucky yesterday. I don't know if I was just over hyper because it was my birthday but I had a GOOD day. The side effects from the chemo did not drag me down too much throughout the day. I felt like I went a little manic from having real energy so we had a busy, busy day. 

But it felt so good to be busy. 

The wig pictures are from this awesome Look Good, Feel Good event I went to hosted by the American Cancer Society at Aurora hospital. It was so awesome. I got a giant bag of designer makeup- easily worth up to 300 dollars. So YAY for makeup I would normally NEVER spend that much money on. They showed us how to fill in our eyebrows (in case they decide to take an exit thanks to the chemo), tie different types of scarves/turbans, and wig care tips. After the wig care tips we were tossed a giant box of wigs to try on!

And that's when I found that mullet wig. I'm not sure who would willingly pick out a mullet wig. Maybe the cancer has you so depressed you feel like there's no hope? The will to live as been eaten away and replaced by a synthetic mullet? Either way, if you want a mullet- wear the mullet. 

So that was fun. Props to the American Cancer Society for hosting that because I was able to meet other women with cancer, have a lot of giggles, and learned a ton of 'cancer beauty tips' I was unaware of. Awesomeness. Pro tip: if you get the big C- make sure you get yourself to one of those events!

So other than my wig selfie marathon, my birthday was a success. Since I can't drink (not that I was a heavy drinker to begin with) I decided I earned a manicure. 

Pink polka dots! That was a good idea. My sister was an angel and called ahead to get me a gift certificate. Thanks sis, love ya. So I think that's going to become an in between chemo tradition. Since I can't drink Starbucks anymore (coffee tastes nasty to me now-it's a tragedy) all that saved coffee money can go to biweekly manicures after chemo treatments. If you look good, you feel good. I really do believe in that philosophy for myself. It's important. Diva it up!

I was struck by an insane dedicated desire to make a fairy garden. I got some birthday money (thanks Grandma!) and was able to use that to start my garden. This was actually really good for me. It was nice to have a project and put all my restless energy into something productive. I think that will be a good way to continue to cope with things- especially on days if I don't have enough energy to go out and about. Projects, lots of projects! Maybe I should learn how to knit!! 

So I went to Ivy Trails in downtown Manitowoc to begin my fairy adventure. That is a great little shop- worth checking out! I finished at Hobby Lobby where I found the container and all the craft supplies. I wanted my fairy garden to be portable so I can bring it to chemotherapy with me. I know, like I don't bring enough as it is. But I want my room to be pretty!!! And this fairy garden just makes me happy. 

So ta-da!

I don't know why I was so determined to make this garden and make it NOW. Maybe it was because I can feel the sense of control over my own life slipping and I just wanted to have full control over something else. Even if it's just little miniature fairies in a fake garden. I think it turned out beautiful and will be a nice thing to bring to chemo treatments with me. 

I feel that sometimes I've been down playing how hard this has been so far on here. I don't mean to but I've never been one to sit and talk about my emotions in a healthy, non-joking way. I don't like emotions in most contexts. It's easier for me to deal with sarcasm and humor. But this has been a hard road so far. The side effects suck. Yesterday I felt great all day which was fabulous. Yet I pay for that today when I wake up in so much pain I can barely get out of bed. It comes and goes. I just want to keep living my life as normally as possible but sometimes I forget that things are not normal. I have cancer and I need to understand my limitations. And take help when it's offered. Rest when I can. 

But anyone who knows me well knows that 'rest' is a foreign concept when there's something I could be planning or vacuuming. But I'm trying.

And this is the part I want to give another shout out to all of those that have been my wonderful caregivers, helpers, and support since I got home.

I would have never been able to do this without my mom. I couldn't imagine going through this without her by my side to help me every step of the way.

My brother and his wife Brenda have been amazing from everything to taking Adrian for fun activities and helping around the house. Thanks guys.

My friends, all of you, are just the best. I'm amazed sometimes by what a wonderful motley crew I managed to accumulate over the years. 

All my family in Colorado for the constant support and encouragement across the miles. I miss you all so much.

And Adrian. That little boy has been the best support. Every time I look at him it makes me stronger. Every fighting step I take is for him. 

So thank you, all of you. And to those who have been donating, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I said this on Facebook but it bears repeating on here. When I was first diagnosed with cancer I had never felt more alone. But since I announced my diagnosis, I have never felt more loved.

So moral of the story? Try on fun wigs. Make sure you find that Look Good, Feel Good event. Get a manicure. And build yourself a fairy garden. 

Happy Sunday!

Today is homework day. Have a giant pile of homework awaiting my immediate attention. All my teachers have been amazing about all of this, by the way. So go professors and your awesome understanding.

The chemo side effects are beginning to kick my tushie. It was a challenge to even sit still for my haircut yesterday. But I'm forcing myself to get up and do something every day. I can't handle laying around!

So since it's Sunday, which is homework day, I'm going to cut today's blog post short.

And just leave this here for you.

Happy Birthday, have some menopause.

Okay so the irony about all of this is I was dreaaaaaading my birthday this year. The big 28!! The 'almost thirty' birthday. I should just save all that angst for 29 but I like to start things early. My birthday is on Monday but I thought a good blog reflection was due.

It's ironic but I was ready to start counting gray hairs this year.

Well, thanks to good ole cancer we can have some early menopause, arthritis (what I've been told to compare bone pain to), and a big bald head.

Jesus John Wayne- I'm going to feel really old.

Wait, menopause?

Yup.

Menopause at age 28. Who is not having a midlife crisis now?

Anyone else that can work out their health class info might have put together by now that means no more babies.

We are not sure on this part. It might go away and I could have more babies one day. Or it might not.

Now what is really ironic about all this is I was talking pre-diagnosis (so many things feel 'pre-cancer' at this point) about how I DIDN'T want any more kids. That I was good with Adrian and being able to focus 100% of my money, attentions, love, and time on just him. That an only child is often a happy, spoiled child. **Spoiled to a reason- back off Super Nanny.

But now that I'm told I might never be able to have more kids again? My ovaries are screaming.

For a rainbow baby? I don't know, whatever. For all the babies. Rainbow, polka dot, paisley. All the god damn babies.

Cancer really takes a stab at your femininity. What defines a woman? What about women with cancer that takes their entire lady parts? Their breasts? What makes them still a woman?

What makes all of us women?

I'm getting pretty deep on this but the news of my shattered fertility hit me like a blow to the ulcers. The instant that really sunk in, at Aurora Baycare, I went to a chapel. Not because I'm religious. Because I'm not (and no thanks) but because it was the only place to be alone. And I just sat with my thoughts. With thoughts of ten tiny toes possibly disappearing forever. Thoughts of little bumps in the night during pregnancy. Thoughts of how I felt when I first held Adrian. Thoughts of the fierce pride I still feel when he comes into a room. A mother should never have to give up that choice. A woman should not have to give up that choice.

But in the sake of killing cancer, it had to go.

I was offered the chance to see a fertility specialist at my oncologist appointment. At first I was like, "Yes! Freeze those eggs!"

And then I realized that:

1. It is not covered by insurance (I doubt this is the case for many insurance plans)
2. And it is insanely expensive. I could put Adrian through a few years of college first.
3. And it would delay my chemo and thus delay killing this tumor.

Well, so I skipped that option. I want this cancer dead. I want this thing gone that has tainted my life, my family, my household, and my friends. Even if I never get more babies, the cancer will die.

And that's the important part.

What makes a woman?

Not fertility, not hair, not perky tits, or a secure vagina.

My spirit, my essence, my soul. My love for delicate feminine acts. Polka dot nails with pearl coated fashion rings.  The click of high heels on tile floors. The roles of womanhood that embrace you in every stage of your life. Being a mother. My son's face when he squishes up his nose for a special momma kiss. The way my body was able to breathe life into a child and carry him into this world. Breastfeeding him for 16 glorious months. That connection I feel (that being a CIS woman- I am lucky to have) to my gender as a power structure. As something to embrace as spirituality. That powerful act of knowing my spirit is not defined by my body.

Love yourself and accept the things life brings you. I was lucky to have one beautiful child. If he is all I get, I am still luckier than most. <3

But if it turns out I won't ever be able to have more children, I will mourn for that. Mourn for that possibility, for that choice being taken away from me. Having choices ripped away from you can make you feel so helpless but this is another choice I was forced to make for the better of my health, finances, and family. I grew up like an only child even though I have older siblings. I got to go to Disneyland. Three times. I mean, c'mon.

More Disneyland for Adrian- that's what this means.

Come on Mickey Mouse- we'll come hug you after this is all over.

Phase Two is Complete!

So remember I said I was going to chop all my hair off? Every last bit? And donate it to a worthy hair charity?

Yeah, I did that today.

Oh my gawd where did my hair go?!

This really wasn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. I was pretty resigned to the idea long before the haircut today so really it was no biggie. No tears of agony, no curling up with the hair pieces on the floor.

We brought Adrian along because we thought that'd be helpful for him to see mommy at this stage with her hair. So we're going to do a little picture slide show of the best cut moments.

I feel like a giant nerd when I put the glasses on but I AM a giant nerd so maybe it's better to accept it.

I like it. It's freeing. I feel liberated from all that hair agony I was going through on a daily basis. There's no need to have a daily hair funeral and I feel like I was close to on my way. No need to package it up in a little mini hearse and stage some speeches. (Can we do speeches? I feel like that should still be an option)

No, it was good to get rid of it. And honestly, the convenience factor of not having a pile of hair to deal with on top of all my shitty chemo side effects is a big bright spot.

Thank you Salon 708 (Susan and Michelle, especially) for the haircut today. It was nice to take a piece back of my femininity and feel like I had the pants back on in that situation. And let's face it, anyone who knows me damn well knows I like to wear the pants anyways. So screw you chemo, I pick my own hairstyle.

Look at those pony tails! Donation time!

Pro Tip: WATER!

Well kids, I am writing to you from the cancer clinic in Two Rivers as I sit and have a bag of fluids pumped into my system.

Moral of the story? When they say drink 8-10 cups of water- DO IT. Of course, the dizziness might just be a fun side effect I get to enjoy and not something caused by dehydration. But we'll see. My doctor seems pretty chill it's dehydration and so do the nurses. This stop in and leave chemo area is pretty nice. Dilly bars, nice view of the lake, funky little sci-fi tv that extends from the wall, and nice recliner.

So in that news we have switched my care to the Cancer Care clinic in Two Rivers. Which today's emergency doctor's visit only justified that decision even more. So from now on I will be getting my chemo done right here in Two Rivers so it will be a lot easier for people to visit me. :) And it's just easier and quicker to see my doctor this way too!

I absolutely loved my doctor at Baycare but at this point we need to be realistic about travel concerns. Especially in snowy old WI.

So far dizziness has been the biggest side effect. Was having that super fatigue until they gave me the blood cell boost shot yesterday so that went away. Hoorah for small victories because it was replaced by our lovely friend: bone pain.

That sounds like it could be a really crappy metal band. Someone in Manitowoc should probably get cracking on snagging up that band name real quick.

Seriously. Otherwise I'm going to start a cancer kid band called Bone Pain. Who's with me? I'll play the triangle. And eat Dilly bars.