Dehydration: my big whoops.

Okay, I know, I know. I need to drink fluids. It's really, really hard to keep that up. I'm back at the cancer clinic today again getting pumped full of fluids. I was feeling like junk all weekend and since I was here for blood work I figured, why not? Well, good thing. My pulse was high which usually means dehydration. 

I'm trying kids. I really am. I have a water bottler with me nonstop. I've been having horrible mouth sores the past two days and I know that doesn't help. Mouth sores are just as horrible as they sound. Imagine someone taking sandpaper to the sides of your tongue and then you're left with the result. That's what it feels like. 

One more thing damaging the love of food. i could barely eat anything yesterday until I discovered popsicles. Then I ate like three of them. Popsicles rock. 

Today is a better day than yesterday though. Yesterday was rough. Between the mouth stores and the bone pain I was a wreck most of the day. Today is better- the mouth sores feel like they're settling down and are not as painful. 

And check out my awesome free scarf from the Good Wishes foundation! I love it- very snazzy and comfortable. It's good for keeping in my purse to do the swap for the wig when I come for my fluids.

Chemotherapy is just an ironic thing. It's saving your life but it's making you go through hell to do it. Why don't we have a better solution yet? (Big question)

I'm sorry guys if my blog posts have been short and not as daily but this second round of chemo has been a ball buster so I'm just trying to hang in there. Each day gets a little better and today isn't too bad of a day. I'd say it's half good and half bad. After the fluids I'm determined to get out of the house and try to do something somewhat fun. 

Chemo and the way it screws up your food relationships.

Phew, it's been a roller coaster the past few days. The extra fluids really helped and the dizziness is finally gone. Thank goodness. So I was able to make it to the St. Patty's Day parade yesterday and that made my day!

Kiddo was super happy and we had a good time. I felt pretty tired but I was able to sit through the whole thing without having any crazy side effects. I'm having a lot more nausea this time around which sucks! And my taste buds are slowly disintegrating.

You never realize how much tasting food is essential to feeling like a normal human being until you can't taste it anymore. I can't even taste taco dip now. TACO DIP. Things like this make you really evaluate your relationship with food as a comfort mechanism. Certain foods had different associations for me. Chocolate for when I'm sad. (Cliche, I know) Taco dip for when I just want to pig out. Pizza for family fun night. Coffee for a daily morning ritual. Coffee as a homework tool. Coffee as a soothing mechanism. 

Now all those associations are gone because things no longer taste the same. I can't even stomach coffee which is the most heart breaking thing. My entire morning ritual is changed. I no longer stumble towards the coffee machine in the morning and have that sense of relief when the first cup is brewed. Now I trudge towards the water bottle and there is no sense of relief with water. Water is boring. Sometimes I mix it up with orange juice but it might as well be water because I can't really taste it anyways. I no longer have that afternoon Starbucks pick me up. I could seriously cry a few tears over this. I read in my chemo books that coffee is usually one of the biggest things cancer patients don't want during chemo. Go figure- the one thing that would give us an energy boost!

I've replaced coffee with smoothies and so far that's been okay. My favorite so far is my own version of an Orange Julius. Here's the recipe because I like to share. And it's really easy.

One banana

Three scoops of frozen yogurt

A cup of strawberries (frozen or not)

A teaspoon of sugar

A cup of orange juice

And add more or less to taste. But it's delicious- give it a try! You could sneak spinach in there which is fine too because you don't even taste it. 

Chemo really takes a lot away from a person. You lose your hair, your taste buds, your fertility, your energy, and your entire body is just wigging out. But it's all about just trying to cope with each separate issue. At least that's what I do. Can't have coffee? I'll drink smoothies. Taco dip has no taste? I'll eat it anyways and pretend. Hot flashes? Buy a cute handheld fan. No hair? Get an awesome wig.

But seriously, back to these taste buds. I have found a trick for waking up your taste buds: SOUR CANDY. Anything sour works. Pickles are good. Sweetarts are good. My sour raspberry queasy pops are a godsend. 

PRO TIP: If you or someone you love is having chemo- BUY THEM THESE:

Actually, if you email the company they will send you a free sample. The sour raspberry pop was my hero this morning. I woke up with extreme nausea- the worst I've had yet. I thought I was going to throw up all my meds (including the med FOR the nausea) and eating one of those eliminated the entire 'puke' feeling. Check out their site here for a free sample!

So those are awesome. I found some on Amazon that are only the sour raspberry flavor and I ordered some. Can't wait until they come- I'm quite excited.

The only downside to the sour stuff? The mouth sores. Chemo causes your mouth to freak out in all sorts of ways. You get sores on the inside of your cheeks and roof of your mouth. They're not like gross, X-Files sores but just the skin gets red and it hurts. But sour stuff angers them. 

So you're at a crossroads. You want to taste something but do you want to piss off the mouth sores?

I just eat the sour stuff anyways and then gurgle with mouthwash. I've got to live a little. 

Do something for me kids, drink a Starbucks and eat some taco dip for me. 

Our relationship with food is complex and it is something that we rarely think about it. You never realize how comforting certain foods are to you once you can't have them or they don't taste the same. Food is such an essential part of our lives yet we rarely think twice about it.

Enjoy your food- don't take it for granted. I know when this chemo is over the first thing I'm going to do (once the taste buds return) is get a giant white chocolate mocha from Starbucks and a big tray of taco dip. 

Just waiting until that day.

Fluid Recharge 2x

     

Well, this is the first day I've felt suuuuuper shitty since this chemo round. Had a general appointment with the doctor and some blood work today so we decided to add some fluids to help perk me up. 

One thing I'm learning as I go through this: fluids are like your uppers. 

Get them. All the time. Get those fluids! It's like coffee for cancer patients. 

The dizziness today is huge. I feel like I'm floating but it's not a good floating. It's like you're in a yellow raft in the middle of the ocean. The ocean isn't made of water but pudding. So it's not a seasickness but a slow, gurgly wave. And this isn't an ocean filled with good pudding but a sucky one. Like that nasty Tapioca pudding that no one wants that's always left behind at the grocery store. 

Did that make sense? I don't know- probably not. I notice my optimism tends to be tied to how I'm feeling. Days that I feel like junk I tend to get more bummed out. But this cancer clinic is great- they've got me wrapped up in hot blankets and I'm pretty cozy. They even offered me soup! 

The nurses here are seriously wonderful. I always feel so taken care of when I'm here. It's hard for me to let people take care of me but here I find it easy to just lay back and let them do their thing. 

This will be a short blog post today since I'm feeling so junky. Let's hope tomorrow we have better luck and I'm feeling good enough to take Adrian to the St. Patty's Day parade! I want to take him soooo bad so I hope my body cooperates! Come on body, we got this! Recharge and feel better!

Fluid Recharge Day

It was time for some fluid recharge today and my white blood cell shot! Having cancer is like a full time job. By the time you're done with chemo you have to pick up prescriptions, get your blood drawn, get fluids, and meet with the doctor all over again. It's like a cancer doctor circle. But oh well, nothing better to do anyways since I can't work anymore.

But boy do I miss work. And normalcy. Sometimes I get reaaaally bummed about it when I think about what a 'normal' Monday, Tuesday, etc. would be like. I have to try not to dwell though. My online classes are going good- I'm keeping up very well considering the circumstances and pulling A's in the ones where the grades have come in. So that's awesome.

I do love the cancer clinic I go to. The nurses there are so wonderful and fuzzy. They bring you Dilly bars and hot blankets while you get your fluids- it's amazing. And (as pictured) I found another silky hat in the hat basket. Which made my day! I love silky hats because they feel the best on my angry scalp. I know I'm clashing a bit but we're keeping it real. I was wearing my wig today but that thing gets uncomfortable. We take that shit off at the cancer clinic and put on the clashing silky hat.

Yesterday I actually went to the store in jeans and my wig so I felt like a real person. I was so dizzy (duh, just got out of chemo that morning) so I couldn't walk without feeling like I was going to pass out. But I just wanted to get out of the house and be out in the world so we went for it. Plus I needed groceries. So I used the motorized chair after a lot of coaxing from my mother to swallow my pride and just use it.

Once you get over the initial embarrassment and sucking up your pride- it's not so bad. The stares I got were unbelievable though. One lesson for the world: do not judge a situation you know nothing about. I wasn't being one of those hooligans that abuse the motorized cart privilege. I was waiting for one of those people in the store glaring at me to say something so I could whip off my wig and show them my big bald egg. People these days. No manners. 

The insomnia I'm having is really getting old. I hope that quits soon. It's like my brain just won't shut off! It just whirls and whirls and whirls. So I just get up and start doing random cleaning. Which I should be resting but I'm not a good listener. I'm trying, guys. 

Today was half good and half bad. First half wasn't too shabby even though I didn't sleep but once I got that white blood cell shot the wicked bone pain kicked in. Hate that bone pain. But I'd rather have bone pain than vomiting so no big complaints here!

The beautiful weather is doing wonders for my morale- I hope it keeps up! Thanks to everyone for all the support (I can never 'thank' too many times)- it's been such a sunshine in this darkness. <3

Second round of chemo complete!

Well it's official, my second round of chemotherapy is complete!!

Wooooooooohooooooooo! Kill that tumor! Let's hope the side effects aren't too brutal this time around during recovery! It's a good morning!

Well, not altogether fabulous because I feel a little dizzy and shitty but hoping that improves throughout the day. I always feel best in the mornings though so guess I better not count on it. 

Met with my doctor during my treatment yesterday and he said that I only should have FOUR treatments left after this one! ONLY FOUR! I think my counting was off or his counting was off or something was off that I was thinking 5-6. So I should be done with treatments by June and then they will start the PET scan and if that's in the clear- they'll remove my port and I can move on with my life!

So just hoping with all my heart that this all goes to plan and we don't have any scary surprises. But that just put me over the moon. That made this grumpy cat into a happy cat:

Happy happy grumpy cat! I just have to remind myself to calm down and not get ahead of myself. Three-four months of treatment is still a long, long time. But it's so nice to know my doctor is so confident that the light at the end of the tunnel has a date and a time. Apparently my chemo regimen is designed after some famous cancer study by some oncologist he got to meet at his conference this weekend. Woohoo, famous cancer treatment. Hey, as long as it works I don't care where it's been published! 

Just have to stay optimistic. Four months isn't that long when you think of your lifetime. That's a small piece of cake. Very small. Barely a sliver. I can go do this. I can get through this. I can kick this cancer's ass that has dared to infringe on my family and my life. 

Tomorrow I go into the clinic for my white blood cell 'boost shot' and some preventative fluids. I'll be anxious to see if getting the fluids ahead of time prevents all the dizziness and dehydration I had last time. 

The weather is beautiful outside and I just hope that I will be able to enjoy it (from under my five pounds of sunscreen and a sun hat- chemo makes your skin not sun friendly) for a little while this week. I'm hoping and hoping that I feel up to taking Adrian to the St. Patrick's Day parade on Friday. I hope I feel up to it!! We missed it the past two years because of the bad weather!

That's all for now folks, I'm going to try to spend the day resting and not overdoing it. Tomorrow we get more shots and fluids and then no more doctors until my next appointment when they do the chest x-ray!

Day Five: Almost finished!!

Good morning my fellow blog readers! Today is an excellent today because it is THE LAST DAY OF MY CHEMO! Wooohooo! Tomorrow I am done and this is over with for another 20 days. Thank gawd. It is not in my genetic makeup to sit still every day for five days straight. So here's to (almost) freedom! And what a beautiful day it looks like it's going to be!

The weather is so wonderful outside just in time for my freedom! I hope the side effects this time aren't too brutal so I can enjoy the nice weather. I'm dying to be outside- I have spring fever in the worst way. This time we're taking a preventive measure and getting pumped full of fluids before I get dehydrated so hopefully that will make a BIG difference in how I feel this time around. So Wednesday I will go in and get a big ole bag of fluids. Let's hope that this recovery isn't too shabby due to that. 

Today the side effects are quite minimal so far. I slept like a baby (thanks to some sleep aids) and didn't have any of those weird hot/cold chills during the night. Definitely makes for a refreshed morning and a good mood. 

But who wouldn't be in a good mood to have another treatment cycle almost complete? Just 5 or 6 (I really need to ask because I'm not even sure) to go!!! I can't wait to put this all behind me. But it's a long road yet and I shouldn't get too ahead of myself. 

I was feeling decent yesterday as well so I was able to get unhooked from my pump and wander around for a little bit. Adrian and I were playing Jedi. 

I am the cancer killing Jedi. I should have brought my sword with me. Too bad this came out blurry- I'm using the Force to levitate that boat.

Can you tell I'm starting to lose my mind from boredom yet? I've done almost all my homework except a few assignments but I find it hard to concentrate here. My mind is just so edgy and restless.

So I guess I will just have to keep writing blog posts.

I notice it's way easier to have higher spirits at the tail end of the treatment cycle than beforehand. The first two days I was in here I was a super depressed panda. I might have to look ahead next time and find some way to prevent that. Either line up visitors round the clock or just try to remind myself to have a positive outlook.

One thing I've noticed about this chemotherapy is the crazy bloodhound nose. You would think all these cell killing chemicals would hurt my sense of smell but they enhance it! I can smell EVERYTHING. I'm especially sensitive to perfume or cologne. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can smell every single scent any of the nurses wear- even from the hallway. It's crazy. 

For some reason my perfume doesn't bother me but maybe that's because my nose is accustomed to it? Everyone else's makes me sick though- no idea why. I have to hold my breath every time a nurse comes in wearing perfume to check my vitals.

Well that's all for now. I'm feeling pretty bouncy (GET ME OUT OF HERE!) this morning so maybe I'll have more shenanigans for later. I'm going to get up, start my day, and run around my little chemo prison until I get some visitors. 

Can't wait for my number one guy to come visit me after 4K, of course. :)

Adrian with the puppy I bought him from the gift shop

Day Four: Sunshine and feeling good!

Hey kids, today is going much better. Yesterday was pure hell and today I woke up feeling refreshed and much more like myself. Which makes sitting here getting my chemo even more torture while the sun is shining outside. My view is gorgeous though. I mean look at this!

That is a gorgeous view. Trying to stay positive- at least I have that to look at while I'm sitting here getting pumped full of deadly chemicals. All the nurses have been really sweet so far so that's been lovely. Been having lots of visitors so switching to be closer to Manitowoc was a great decision. I think if I was up in GB I'd be going crazy. As it is I'm scaling the walls today. I want this treatment to be over with soooo bad. Trying to work on some homework today and get ahead of the game but I can't concentrate. So figured I would ramble along on here.

Since I was feeling a little more like myself felt like a sword selfie was in order.

Kicking some cancer ass! That is what I have to keep in mind as I'm dealing with all this side effects- the chemo is killing that tumor and that's what we want. It's just some small term suffering in the greater scheme of things. Today my outlook is much better where the past few days I was feeling a bit depressed. It's hard not to miss my life- my jobs, going up to campus, my hair, the way things were before this diagnosis. But I'm sure that's normal. Who wouldn't want to rewind until before they received such horrible news? But the bigger picture is to battle through and get through this so I can go on with my life. I can't let this ruin my dreams and ambitions. I am stronger than this cancer. 

Adrian has been such a doll when he comes to visits. He doesn't want to leave momma's side for a second. It was great having him with me yesterday when I was feeling so junky- he makes me feel so much better. He likes taking my IV for a walk around the halls. 

I know this is like the saddest picture ever in so many ways. But it's also such a sweet picture because it shows my lovely little boy taking care of his momma. He likes to pull my IV along- I think it makes him feel better that he's helping me. This has been so hard on everyone but it won't be forever! I will beat this and things will return to normal.

So not much else new to report- side effects are settling down today. No appetite at all which sucks but hoping that improves. I was able to choke down some breakfast and I'm going to attempt the same with lunch. Risa brought me some amazing looking cupcakes so I'm going to try to nibble on one of those- they look too delicious to resist so I'm going to try!

Just two more days to go!! Over halfway there!