Bushy eyelashes, fuzzy head, post-chemo wig humor, and other five star updates.

I promised that I would keep updating on the progress of my hair. Three weeks after my last chemotherapy treatment (always counting from the last day) I had a few pieces of stubble. You couldn't see them but I could feel those little buggars pushing through my scalp. Here is a close up of my big ole egg. Can you see it?!

That's right folks. I have official hair growing. It's super bright blonde and it's fuzzy. I have fuzz! I'd say it's about 1/2 inch long. So we have a ways to go.

Tomorrow will mark nine weeks since my last chemotherapy treatment. It's starting to feel like another lifetime that I went through this. Remember all that repressing I like to do? My mind is working hard to try to shove all these cancer memories down into a little box and put them away in storage. But it's not so easy to do when you're bald. You're reminded every morning when you decide what color hair you'd like to have that day. You're reminded when you want to take your son to the pool and you have the agonizing back and forth in the car to go wigless (and be stared at) or risk getting your $300 wig wet. You're reminded at the end of the day when the first thing you do is rip that wig right off your head.

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget this experience but I sure can't wait to not have to be reminded of it every time I stare in the mirror.

That is one big reason why my regrowth is such an obsession for me right now. I cannot wait to feel completely like myself again. I miss my hair every day, every second, every moment. It's like a constant ache. I feel like I'm dealing with it worse now than I did when I first lost it. I was too wrapped up in battling cancer, suffering from chemo, and being a horribly appropriate combination of brave and terrified. Now I feel healthy, I'm living my dream, everything is happy, successful, and wonderful. But I'm friggen bald. That big ole bald head reminds me that life wasn't always sunshine.

It'd be nice to have just natural hair. No awkward pauses when someone compliments my awesome hair or asks me what salon did my dye job. I want to have my own hair. No more dealing with the pain of hat headache for hours at a stretch. Plus not having a melting wig on your head in 100 degree Colorado sun would be great too. Sure would make dating less daunting when I decide to entertain the idea. And it would avoid the possibilities of...

Insert PG-13 make out session. Smooch, smooch. Passionate 90's TV show hair grab. "Oh my gawd! Your hair just fell off!! I ripped your hair off!" Screaming for the hills.

Err, right?

Yeah, that sounds awkward. Is the fact you're wearing a wig first date table talk or do you just surprise them when they least expect it?

Now that could just be a fun game.

"Well hey there, Bob. What a nice day today, I feel like a nice breeze on my follicles." Rip off wig. Wait for reaction.

I don't like to date anyways. I don't like dealing with man needs. Pizza doesn't ask me to cuddle. Even though I'd probably like to cuddle with pizza.

Did I get off topic?

My eyelashes are BACK. I have official eyelashes. I use the term official because now they're long enough to put mascara on! And they're way thicker than they were before chemotherapy. So I guess I can forgive the chemo for being such a bastard and making them fall out after my last treatment. My eyebrows are back now and are already in need of a nice reshaping wax. Which I am terrified to do just yet. What if I piss them off and they all fall out? Better be nice to them for now.

It's too bad as a culture that we put so much emphasis on standardized female beauty. It's a pity that in order to feel beautiful, I feel that I need to put on a wig. Despite all the feminism coursing through my veins like Buffy (the vampire slayer) juice I still can't escape my own insecurities. Insecurities that have been force fed to me through years of television, advertisement, and popular culture brainwashing. But as I've discussed many, many times on here- hair is so central to our identity as human beings. Even more so for women. Are we wrong to put on wigs in order to feel like a normal and healthy woman? Does that make any of us less feminist for doing so? I don't think so.

I wish I could feel just as good without them. Because they sure are uncomfortable.

But day by day we're getting closer. The nurses told me the standard rate of hair growth is 1/2 inch per month. That sucks. But hey, maybe my hair will grow faster and surprise me.

I'll update on the hair progress as we go!

I have a big event coming up- at least as far as cancer survivor news goes. I signed up for a cancer mountain retreat/hike! It's all free and paid for by a wonderful group called Live by Living. They're going to take us up into the mountains where we will do yoga, meditation, and all sorts of healing techniques. This is going to be real outdoors kids. No electricity, just solar power. I'll take lots of pictures so I can share on the blog. I'm really excited. My sister Angela is going with me so it will be really fun. I think this will be really good for me. I need to connect with spirituality again. I need to refresh myself from my bitterness and just relax with nature. I need to have faith in my body again. It will be a great experience. I hope. As long as I don't fall off a mountain.

So keep an eye out for my next blog post! I will talk about my cancer survivor hike and I am sure that will be an enlightening post full of entertaining stories about my first time roughing it in the wilderness.