Live by Living Family Retreat

Okay, I did not fall off a mountain.

Our cabin!

My every spare waking moment has been dedicated to lesson planning, teaching, grading, and reading theory so there hasn't been a lot of time for blog writing. And all the other time has been volunteering at kiddo's school, spending time with him, working with him on his reading, and so on.

My life is pretty jam packed. But I love it.

That being said, the Live by Living family retreat was amazing.

The cabins we stayed at were beautiful. The sleeping cabin was buried in the trees next to thee beautiful aspen trees. We were only there a short while and spotted a deer right next to the porch. We weren't too far out in the mountains but far enough in to feel like we were buried in wilderness.

The first day we met the other families (three other groups besides us) and went on a hike. That was fun and Adrian loved it. He's a little mountain boy- he thrives up there. All the kids were fairly close in age which was great. They totally pampered us. Served us amazing food, helped with the kids, and just let us relax in the afternoon. I got to have some nice reflection that day as I stared into the mountains.

The view from the porch

I felt engulfed in the mountain and it was beautiful.

And exactly what I needed.

That night we had a great dinner, the kids played games, and we had a campfire. Adrian was just nonstop having a blast the entire time bonding with the other kids. And it was so nice for me to meet other survivors. There is nothing like that shared understanding. Someone who knows exactly what you've been through and what that feels like. There
are not nearly enough words for how relieving that felt to me.

My entire treatment was so isolating. The first three hospital stays I didn't interact with anyone besides hospital staff and my friends/family. No other survivors. My last three rounds were outpatient so while I spent a ton of time sitting in that chemo chair my age isolated me there as well. I never fully realized until this retreat how desperate I was to have that shared understanding with someone else. To relate to people that get it. Totally friggen get it. And that was beautiful.

I can't say enough good things about the Live by Living organization. If you're a survivor and you're reading this, I encourage you to go on one of their retreats. Dan Miller (founder) is wonderful and the work he is doing to empower people impacted by cancer is great.

The following day we went on a giant mother of killer hikes. The hike to end all hikes. Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad. But that is probably the hardest I have pushed myself physically so far. It was intense, exhausting, and liberating. When I asked I think he said a little under 5 miles round trip. That is my longest hike yet. I know my body is not back to normal. The neuropathy was on fire, my feet were going numb, my breath was coming in bursts, and my legs were burning. But it was great. My body reminded me that it still works. It's still alive. It still endures. And the view at the top was worth all the pain to get there. Being in the mountains is so healing for me on so many levels. I can feel the earth alive around me and when we looked up into the sky that night it reminded me of how small we really are. In the grand scheme of things, my cancer is just an ant scattering across the surface. It's a blip on the radar.

Day One Hike

Of course, that's not how it is for me. But I want it to be that distant. I want it to be that small. And maybe one day it will be. But for now, I can find peace and embrace in the mountains. And that's the next best thing.

There is healing power in nature. In physical endurance. In breathtaking views. In the accomplishments your body makes.

It's a wonderful thing. The volunteers were great at helping us along for the hike. Adrian stuffed a backpack full of rocks (literally- FULL) that now is still sitting in our laundry room. He bonded with other kids that have been impacted by cancer too and on so many levels that was amazing to see. It was a healing trip for both of us.

One of the best things that came out of it was the lasting connections I made with some of the people there and even though we all live very far away we can connect with each other online if need be.

It was a great trip and we had a wonderful time. Next year I want to go on another one. There really is something about nature that heals.

"The mountains are calling and I must go." -John Muir 

More information on Live by Living can be found here. 

Hearts and Mountains

It's been awhile since we've had a 'test' blog post.

So I was ordered to have an EKG done by my doctor. One of the chemo drugs I got (doxorubicin) is a bastard when it comes to your heart. So I'm at higher risk for heart issues and blah blah blah.

Well, the intense neuropathy set off warning bells for her so she ordered an EKG. At first I was like, eh whatever.

But then the more I started thinking about it I got all freaked out.

"What if they find a tumor in there?! What if my heart is broken? What if my heart is black like my soul?" 

Okay that last question doesn't make sense. Or does it? Don't answer that.

And plus it was extra sad to realize that I didn't have Risa along with me for this test like she was for my first EKG. <3

So how do I deal with stress? By taking selfies with things in the procedure rooms that I probably shouldn't be touching.

Nothing too exciting to see here. Just looks like a 90's video game. Hey doc, does this thing have Pac Man?

So just when I was thinking there wasn't much opportunity for a funny blog posts: I saw this.

Bahahahha. That looks so gross. I mean I've had a baby, I've seen ultrasound gel before but I never got to look at it. 

Then I smelled it (I don't know why I do these things I do) an it just smelled funky. Does ultrasound gel expire? Or does it age well over time like a fine wine?

Hahaha well whatever, the test was long and anxiety inducing. The tech was super aware of all the triggers it was giving me and kept quizzing me about CSU and teaching so that helped keep my mind off of it.

I got my results back already (online and fast!) and it came back normal. 

Phew!!!!

So now we're off this weekend to finally go on a trip with the Live by Living organization. Adrian and I are spending two days and one night buried in the mountains.

'The mountains are calling and I must go.'

We spend today hiking, eating, and then ending with a campfire. Tomorrow we go on another hike and eat before we depart. 

This is the cabin we will be staying at:

Sigh. So pretty!! The aspens are at peak colors too so it will be beautiful. And how wonderful for us to meet other survivors and their families! To be surrounded by people that get it.

Mountains, here we come!

Post Treatment Updates

So the last blog post was a bit philosophical and all over the place.

I've been reading Foucault and my mind went BOOM. That happens sometimes.

But there's lots of people that want some updates with a little less emphasis on the philosophy I'm sure. So here it goes. 

I've been doing everything I can to try and get my body back to normal. The cancer clinic suggested physical therapy in the wellness clinic twice a week. I just finished the end of week two. 

I'm trying to get my exercise face on- what do you think? 

Okay with the short hairdo this picture makes me look down right scary. Grrrrrr, exercise makes me angry.

No, not really. It's actually helping quite a bit. I'm starting to look forward to it. It's not helping the fatigue at all yet (probably too soon for that) but it is helping the neuropathy. The swelling hasn't gone down but the pain is a bit better day by day. And that is amazing. Seriously, that makes me so happy.


The clinic has a pretty nice exercise room. They crafted an exact exercise regimen for me that takes into account the neuropathy and the areas it is the worst- in my feet and legs.

I do exercises to improve circulation and help my balance. My balance is all messed up because of the neuropathy- I constantly trip and stumble over my own feet. Which makes me feel like I'm having junior high school flashbacks. Like I don't have enough to worry about! Ha.

 I'm also doing some exercises to try and firm up my stomach just for pure vanity. The physical therapist thought that was amusing but hey, if I'm working out I might as well do that too!

Yeah, big ole exercise balls. The exercises with those are weird. I have to put all my weight on them and lean against the wall and do these weird squat things. Which I have to be careful with because the nerve pain is now in my knees (yippee) so it really yanks on my knees when I do it.

But the lady that runs things in there is hopeful that the more I do the better they might feel. I've been busting my butt and this week they already upped my exercise 'toughness' so we will see what next week brings. Basically I have a chart to follow and I have to tally my exhaustion after each exercise. As my endurance improves, the exercises get tougher. They also monitor my blood pressure and oxygen at the beginning and the end to make sure my body is reacting well. Which it has been. So horrah!

So that has been dandy. The one thing that hasn't been is the constant fatigue. And I don't mean, oh hey I'm tired today. I mean fatigue. 

And it is AMAZING how much people don't understand it. Seriously, no one gets it. (No one doesn't include my awesome support network) Someone at work said something to me like, "Oh, a lot of people find they're tired their first year of graduate school." 

Are you kidding me? I have fatigue because my body is trying to repair all the cells that were DAMAGED AND DESTROYED from the SIX rounds of FIVE chemotherapy drugs that I had pumped into me for FIVE days straight.

Am I a little grumpy about this cancer survivor ignorance? Totally. I feel like I need to hand out brochures. 

Fatigue from chemotherapy is not just being tired. It's this bone deep exhaustion that completely takes over your body. Imagine your energy level going from normal to BAM. Hit by a truck going 100mph. Sometimes with no warning in the middle of the day. Your eyes want to close, you can't stop yawning, and your whole body feels like a weak, lifeless noodle. It is not the same thing. At all. 

It's worse in the mornings but luckily coffee helps pull me through. I noticed even if I do sleep in on the weekends when I don't have to work it's just as bad as when I get up early so I think it's just something about waking up, no matter how much sleep I get, that exhausts my body.

So here's a little tip for the readers out there regarding awareness: when a cancer survivor tells you they're battling fatigue: don't minimize their suffering by equating it to your estimation of being tired.

It is not the same thing. Ever. So if the world could stop misunderstanding it, that would be great. 

Phew. Get those vents out there. 

In other news, it's time for some hair news!

WOAH! Look at that poof ball on my head! So here is the official hair growth at 19 weeks post-chemotherapy. So we're at a little less than 5 months. 

Wow, almost five months. It does not feel that way. It feels like it was just yesterday that I lived my life in a sterile non-absorbent tan recliner, hooked up to needles going into my chest, listening to the swoosh, swoosh, swoosh of an IV dumping liquids and chemicals into my body. 

I wonder if as time goes on that it will finally start feeling like a part of the past. Something that I could possibly forget. That the memories would fade. That it wouldn't feel so crisp and paper cut new in my mind. 

But on the bright side, if everyone says the first year post-chemo is the hardest then I am almost half way through it. The big date that will be the worst will be the date of my diagnosis. It's burned so red hot into my brain. (February 3rd- in case you were wondering)

Perhaps I should take off to Vegas that day. We are only an hour flight or so away right here in CO after all. 

Keep reading loves and I'll keep posting.