Victory!!!

Well, the results are in and...............

You can BARELY see the tumor on the CAT scan. It is almost gone which means I am almost cancer free!!!! 

YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHOOOOOOOOO!

I'll have more details on Thursday but I thought I would share that little tidbit with everyone. My doctor was nice enough to call me on his day off with the results so that was fabulous.

Almost done with chemo and almost cancer free! We're getting there!

I can't wait to hear that word 'remission'!

CT Scan Time!

Well, I had my long awaited CAT scan this morning.

After that awesome x-ray I know we're going to get good news but I couldn't help having some scanxiety. All that fasting doesn't help either. Fasting sucks. I almost ate mini grumpy cat.

Yes, I have multiple grumpy cats.

Those CAT scan rooms are so depressing. They're dark, ugly, and that machine is so creepy. It's no wonder people with cancer have such anxiety during scan time.

Or it could be that, "What if it spread? What if it's bad news? What if it's back?" fear.

Something like that.

Other than some mild scanxiety the scan went good. Contrast felt really weird going in through a port as opposed the arm vein. I could feel the warm flash all the way from my chest to the rest of my body. Which felt reaaaly bizarre.

They said I should have the results within 24 hours so I should know tomorrow. So I'm going to be calling my doctor harassing them first thing in the morning.

It should be good news though.

And then just two more treatments to go!!! We're almost there!

Mmmm blood!

Well, we had some issues the past few days kids but thanks to science (yay science!) it's being resolved.

My white blood cells, red blood cells, and hemoglobin levels (I always think goblins when I hear this word) dropped waaaaay low.

So my doctor recommended a blood transfusion to replace my red blood cells and boost everything up.

Yup. A big ole bag of blood.

Where does this blood come from?!

Oooooohhhh duh. I was all thinking corpse blood from some reason. I read too much sci-fi. 

Nothing like some good ole blood to perk you up. The things you never realized you'd have to go through during chemotherapy. So far my counts have been pretty decent up until this point. My body is just getting worn down from so many doses. But at least I'm almost done and I don't have to be hospitalized for chemotherapy anymore. That's a bright spot. 

Seriously, the blood transfusion was kind of gross.

Oh and my blood type is A negative. Isn't this picture sick? It's like something out of a vampire movie. I like how it says volunteer donor on the bag. Like what other kind would it be? 'Taken by force?' 'Donated by vampires?' 'Stolen by nurse ninjas?'

There are some risks with blood transfusions but they're rare and minimal. I was a little nervous at first but after they started it I mellowed out. It's way better than the chemotherapy I get pumped through my chest veins right? It only took about two hours to pump it in and I had no weird reactions or anything. 

Ewwww- look at it go!! Pretty gross. But I'm already feeling more energy so yay for donated blood! Thanks random donor from Milwaukee! (I asked where they get the blood from, of course)

Now we're just waiting for the cat scan on Monday and we'll have the results by the middle of the week. Since the tumor doesn't show up on the chest x-ray we're anticipating good news. :) I can't wait to hear a percentage. Like it's 80% gone... 90% gone...something like that. 

My mouth sores are starting to clear up a little bit today too so I was able to choke some pizza down. By tomorrow I should be able to eat normal food which means I'm going to want a TON OF FOOD THAT IS NOT PUDDING.

So I had my first epic and real vampire moment and no Edward. I would have thought he'd smell the blood and come hang out with me at the doctor. 

It's probably because it was donated blood and not mine. He loves me. 

Recovery time- yoga pants and mouth sores.

Sorry again for the lack of updates kids! My sister was here from Colorado so was having some quality family bonding while she was at my house. Adrian loved having her here- it was so nice to see her. Yesterday my energy level was doing good so we took Adrian to the children's museum which he loved. Nothing makes me happier than doing 'family' things. I got a bit winded with all those stairs but otherwise did okay. Here's some pictures of our awesome exercusion: 

 

That museum is awesome- if you have kids, take them there. Feeling pretty worn out today from all the walking but I think it's good to force yourself to do fun things while going through treatment. Even if you feel like poop. 

But of course, like always, one side effect is replaced with another. Having another painful round of mouth sores again. They're all over my tongue, on my cheeks, on the roof of my mouth. Basically everywhere. They're not as bad (yet) as they were last time so I'm hoping and hoping they don't get to that point. I already can't eat anything except mashed potatoes and pudding which sucks. I want pizza!! 

It's hard not to be grumpy when I get these. They really are not fun. Not that I thought recovering from chemo would be fun but I had no idea mouth sores were part of the equation. Who would of thought? At least I'm not vomitting. That's the one side effect I haven't had much with all this chemo.  

It's getting close to graduation time! Which means finals! My finals shouldn't be too rough since this is my last semester. I should finish out my time at UW-Green Bay with a 4.0 which is great. I can't help but brag on that. Who says you can't live your life while battling cancer? Nothing is stopping me from getting my bachelor's when I'm this close. My prints came for graduation in the mail and I must say they're looking nice:

Those gowns make you look like a giant black tent but otherwise I think it's pretty snazzy. Too bad I don't have all my cords on though- I didn't have them yet when this was taken. I have two other sets of honor cords to wear for all my various honor societies. Super nerd! 

I'll try to get better with updating (famous last words) but it's difficult when there's not too much excitement going on. I really hate to feel like I'm whining on here when I'm having side effects. I mean, I know I have a right to whine but still. I don't want to write ten blog posts about my mouth sores. Well I guess I could..

Day One: Mouth sores suck.

Day Two: I am so sick of pudding.

Day Three: Oral pain is grumpy pain.

Day Four: Stupid mouth sores. 

Day Five: I would kill for pizza. 

And so on. Not horribly exciting or witty. Unless I start writing haikus about pizza. 

All I know is after this is over I'm going to be pretty hardcore when it comes to pain! 

The moment you have all been waiting for... (or not)

I've had numerous people ask me to share my poetry. Since they found my tumor I have been writing along the way. Some days are harder than others. Before the chemo started it was easier to write. During all those tests, biopsies, and scans I had my nose glued in my journal. It was the only way I could cope and stay strong. I would pick up that pen and just start writing- even if it didn't make sense. In the room waiting for my biopsy results. In the patient area before my first oncology appointment. In the chapel after I found out I might not be able to have more children after this is over.
     
So I think I am going to let you all into my mind a little further. Here is the first poem I wrote after I found out about my tumor. This was before I knew if it was cancerous or not. If I was going to die or not. Only that I had a 9cm tumor hanging out in my chest region. I curled up in bed with my journal and just let out my anger, frustration, and musings.

Mass

parasite
submerging- depleting
a fork in the light
a blunt black bastard
draining, flaming, seeping
patron puckered plastered

sycophant
fawning-festering
a scribbled word for liniment
voltage velocity hits the vein
roaring, scraping, clawing
battle drawn tenacious tiger

leech
absorbing-chewing
Father- empty your screeching preach
exterminate the catalyst
exorcising, purging, cleansing
your blasphemy fails to manifest.

One more round complete!

Outpatient chemo went great! One more round under my belt with minimal reactions. The last chemo drug they run pretty fast so that gave me a head rush yesterday but they gave me something for it and I started feeling better. I had that done right in the clinic which was probably a good idea.

So far the side effects are right on schedule but let's hope the mouth sores won't be as bad this time. Just the bone pain right now but no extreme nasuea yet. Got my bone marrow 'boost' shot today at the hospital and that went well. Going to go back tomorrow for some fluids just for a pick me up. The sweet nurse there told me that fluids are the key to try to combat those so I'm forcing myself to chug Sprite. 

Maybe I need some of you kids to come play some drinking games with me. Moose? Circle of death? It's hard to drink fluids. I just don't want to but I'm trying. I'll be a good girl and go get some tomorrow.

I have grumpy cat to remind me. Kinda. He's not the most reliable. 

I'm so excited for graduation! I have my tan appointment (all natural spray tan- no worries, guys) and mani/pedi all scheduled. I am just hoping and hoping that I will be feeling good on graduation day. Please, chemo, give me this one thing. I just want to feel GOOD the day they hand me my degree that I have busted my butt off all these years for. I just want that good day. 

I started planning on what I'm going to decorate my graduation cap with and I have some ideas but I'm having a hard time pinning it down. I thought about doing the quote from that Maya Angelou poem, "Still I Rise" and having some type of English major theme but also incorporate the lymphoma ribbon onto it. Anyone have any cool artsy ideas for me on that? 

So another round down! Just anxiously planning graduation which is good for keeping my spirits up. It's something to look forward to. Just wish the day wasn't tainted by all this medical jumbo but you can only do what you can do in life. Take what comes and just deal with it. No sense crying about it.

I've been thinking a lot about my grandma lately. She passed away of breast cancer when I was in my early 20's and unfortunately I was out of state during her fight. My mom's told me quite a few times that I remind her of how grandma was during this. It just makes me feel good to hear that. My grandma was a tough cookie and I'm glad that I'm living up to that awesome Gargac name in this fight. 

My sister is here right now from Colorado which is great. The more family support I have right now the better. Adrian's in heaven and it's so nice to have her here.

Day Three: Halfway there!

We're at the halfway point with my chemo! The time is just flying by doing this outpatient. Way better than the hospital. I feel better too- hospitals suck. You never feel fully rested at a hospital.

I found a new little nerdy grumpy cat to be my friend at the clinic.

He's pretty neat. He's a bit more portable than the other grumpy cat.

Everything is going great and the side effects haven't been too bad. Starting to feel some more fatigue but really in the mornings I feel great and I could just go, go, go! I won't start feeling icky until after the chemo ends most likely so I have a two more days of feeling somewhat normal yet.

The animals have been sticking to me like glue while I've been having this chemo. They already were pretty clingy before but now it's even worse. As I write this both of them are sitting almost on top of me.

Being at home is the best healing power. I have my family, my pets, my own couch, and better food. Definitely makes more sense. My doctor said everything looks like it's working great so that's good. I'll get some blood work done tomorrow to check all my levels- the usual dealio.

My sister is coming tomorrow night so I am super excited for that! It's going to be great having her here.

The sun is not my friend. Got more sun burnt today just sitting in the car! Chemo and sunlight doesn't mix. Pro tip: while being injected with chemo hide under tons of sunblock and wear giant Sex in the City hats.

My freckles are going crazy. Look at this!

Well, guess you can't see them super well but it matches the red wig. I feel like I'm in incognito when I go out and about I look so different. 

Thanks for all the support everyone- halfway through this treatment! We're getting there day by day! 

Day Two! Sunshine and rainbows!

Well, maybe no rainbows. But certainly sunshine! I can't stress enough how HAPPY I am not to be in the hospital right now. Happy, happy, happy! What a difference this is making on my mental health through this process. YAHOO!

Woke up feeling pretty decent just a little tired. Had my steroids and that certainly boosted my energy. Those things make me so hyper. Which I notice way more now that I'm not in the hospital because now I have the freedom to actually go DO something.

We enjoyed the sunshine today- went to the park after school and took a walk on the beach with my mom and Adrian. Adrian was in heaven and so was I. Nothing like some sunshine and quality family time to lift your spirits.

After that had to pop in the clinic for a fluid boost and a refill on my chemo bag. That will be the routine until Friday- just have to come in once a day for fluids and more chemo and then I can go home again.

Got a beautiful bracelet, a stress ball, and a pin from at the clinic today from this organization called Angel On My Shoulders:

The writing on the bracelet has this saying on it which is just wonderful:

What Cancer Cannot Do:

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot quench the spirit.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

Awesome. And so true. So that was a nice freebie. :)

My CT scan is all scheduled for next week so I am excited to get that done. Seeing the tumor pretty much vanquished on the x-ray is nice and all but I want percentages. We know there's some left but HOW much? I want details. All the details. It's weird when you're going through this: I wasn't nearly as excited about my good results as I should have been. I think it's because even though they're good I knew I still had to undergo all these treatments. I'm happy it's working (duh) but it's hard to feel over the moon about anything until this chemo is done with. Every bad day feels a century long while the good days whisk by so fast you barely can enjoy them. 

But I'm a fighter. I always have been in every other aspect of my life and this is no different.

Cancer picked the wrong bizznitch to mess with. 

Portable chemo for the win!

Well today was a long haul at the chemo clinic getting everything set up for this at home chemo business. The day started off rough because my port was deciding not to give blood. Which means that the veins aren't flowing in the right way. Or something. Nothing serious to worry about though. Had to be poked over and over and over again so I was not a happy camper. I'm not a pincushion people. First power tools and now this. But we finally got underway and my bloodwork looks awesome.

We ran the first round of chemotherapy (the Rituxan) in the clinic, pumped me up full of premeds, fluids, and I went through my 'pump' training.

Check this thing out:

Pretty cool! It'd be even better in pink but even so it's not too bad. It has a long strap and a short one so I can wear it like a shoulder bag or a crossbody. Or a fanny pack but we don't do that around here. No fanny packs for me!

So all three of my chemo drugs are in here along with some fluids. I'll report back to the clinic every day to get a new bag, and more fluids and be on my way again! I am so ecstatic not to have to stay in the hospital anymore. This is beyond awesome. Definitely has boosted my morale BIG TIME. 

That's one big bag:

So day one is underway! At home now and can enjoy the sunshine (as I hide underneath five pounds of sunscreen and umbrellas) with my kiddo. Sunshine and chemo patients aren't supposed to mix which sucks. I noticed my freckles are getting seriously out of hand. They match the auburn wig so whateves.

Apparently I am the first person at the Two Rivers clinic to get the out-patient DA R EPOC chemotherapy treatment. I'm glad I spoke up to my doctor- if other clinics all over the place are doing it, why not here too? Maybe I started a chemo revolution.

That's all for now! My CAT scan is all scheduled for after this treatment so we can see a more detailed progress so excited for that. 

Last weekend of feeling totally normal!

Phew. I lied to you all about keeping up with the blog. In all honesty I have been enjoying this nice weather with my kiddo because I have been feeling GOOD the past few days. Almost back to normal!

And the irony, as always: just in time to go back to chemotherapy tomorrow. Of course. Makes it harder to deal with because you start feeling like a regular human again and then you know you have to start the process of misery all over again.

But that misery is killing the cancer. We want it nice and dead. So I will remain optimistic. Maybe this round won't be as bad as the last one was.

Today me and the munchkin had some epic adventures around town to enjoy my last day of feeling like my old self.

Love this little boy. Every second I feel good I make sure to spend with him and taking him to do as many fun things as we can squeeze in. He's a happy camper today.

And he's going to be even more happy now that mom doesn't have to go to the hospital anymore. 

My wig sure is awesome but one thing I learned today: wind is NOT my friend with that wig on. It stays on good but it gets so tangled up. Just like your real hair would but you can't just yank your fingers through it. If you do that you can break your wig or rip it off your head. Which might incidentally make you the talking point of the playground.

Wigs are great and all but they sure aren't easy. But they do help boost my spirits up when I wear them so I find it worthwhile. But I can easily see why many women skip them and stick to hats. Much more comfy.

So that's all for now kids. Tomorrow we'll have some exciting updates to see how out-patient chemotherapy works! Probably spend most of the morning at the clinic before they release me but they have cozy warm blankets and super doting nurses there so it's not all bad.

A Big Post of Love!

I have been majorly slacking on my blog! Don't worry everyone- everything is okay. I had a wicked case of mouth sores caused by the chemo after this past treatment and that caused me pure misery. I couldn't eat anything except broth and it was horrible. I love food. Now that they're better I plan on gorging myself on pizza!!

Seriously, those mouth sores made me feel like hell and I just couldn't bring myself to write. They pumped me full of extra fluids to make up for the days I didn't eat and now that they're healing everything is A-OK. 

Those mouth sores are horrible. I don't think there is anything worse than oral pain. Thank goodness those have cleared up. 

I start round four on Monday- over halfway through!! I'll post more details on that in a next post (in a timely fashion) since my next treatments won't be in the hospital! They'll do a CAT scan after this next treatment (like right before the 5th one) so we'll see the progress in more detail than the X-Ray showed.

But first Adrian and I would like to say: 

To everyone that has been helping me through this battle. It really is true when they say that no one fights alone!

I went to visit UW-Manitowoc yesterday and I was overwhelmed by how much the campus community is doing to help me and my family during this fight. Seriously, my heart could just explode it feels so much love. This email should be sent out via the campus system but I'm sharing it on here too. <3

To the wonderful UW-Manitowoc community:

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I came by campus today to visit and I was overwhelmed by the level of support I received. It absolutely means the world to me to see the fundraising for my family during this difficult time. Thank you Student Senate, the Learning Center, and everyone else that has donated money/bought a bracelet. And of course, thank you to everyone for thinking of me and those that have donated to my GoFundMe account.

Battling cancer can be a lonely journey and at times you can lose your faith in the world for being dealt such a horrible hand. Seeing how much everyone on campus has come together to help me during this time has really made me appreciate how beautiful humanity can be. I have always loved being a part of the UW-Manitowoc community since I first started school. We really have something special on this campus. Time and again I have always recommended this school to any prospective student. I will never forget what you all are doing for me right now. This amount of support and love is just one of the many ways that makes our campus unique and awesome.

Thank you all. It means the world to me to know that I have your support in this fight.

Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say my heart might explode. I love you guys. Those bracelets are awesome. I miss you all!

I also want to take the time to thank an awesome nurse from Aurora hospital named Nancy. She was super sweet (as were many of them) during my last chemotherapy stay there. On one of my last days she asked to take a picture of me (just the way I am now- no wigs) to show my bravery. Today I came home to find this beautiful framed picture in my doorway:

Again, with the heart exploding. Thank you Nancy- I wish I had a way to contact you but I know some of the nurses know about my blog so maybe you will see this. I love it and I will definitely remember my strength when this is all said and done.

I also want to thank this awesome chick: 

My dear Alicia... for coming once a week since I have started treatment simply just to help with cleaning. I owe you big time after this Lucious. I'll come clean your house every time you get sick for like ever! (Side note: putting a bald picture next to a picture with all my hair is really shocking to look at)

As always with these treatments my last few days before the next one is when I finally feel "totally" normal with absolutely no side effects. It's fabulous. I'm going to enjoy my last few days before the next treatment comes along.

I'll use that time to work on catching my blog up to speed. And with any post that focuses on specific groups of people- that's not exclusive. I love and thank you that have been my rocks during this time. <3

In other big life exciting news I got my cap and gown yesterday for graduation. I think I deserve a life sized man in a kilt as a present for graduating while I'm battling cancer. 

Oh, they don't give men in kilts as presents? That might be a bit objectifying. 

How about this guy? I'll marry him and treat him like my sun and stars.

So just so you guys know, he's what I want for my graduation present. It'd be more helpful if he came out of a cake dancing. Yup, get on that.

So onward to enjoy my last few days of feeling like my old self before the next round of poison sets in!

The Cancer Bald Blahs

I don't know why I haven't been motivated to write lately. I've had family in town so I've been a bit busier than normal so that's part of it.

Also have had WICKED mouth sores from the chemo. And I mean WICKED. These aren't the run of the mill mouth sores I had last time. This is even worse. The pain is just horrible. I haven't been able to eat a good sized meal in two days because the pain is so bad. I'm hoping they will improve tomorrow. They prescribed me a mouth wash that numbs my mouth and that helps for a little while. Even if I'm drooling on myself.

Man, cancer sure makes you feel pretty.

Speaking of pretty things, been having some struggles with the hair loss. Maybe the shock has worn off and now I've fully realized that my long, gorgeous hair is gone.

It's easy to be brave when you're in shock. Now I find myself looking through old Facebook pictures with a sort of masochistic feel. Only sometimes. IT'S JUST HAIR.

But my hair friggen rocked.

It will grow back. It will. And my wigs are gorgeous.

Sometimes I'm fine with it. Maybe not FINE but I accept it. Like I said in the hair post, I need to own my power in this fight. Making the decision to shave my head rather than waiting for it to fall out day by day was a way of doing that.

I notice that my optimism tends to be linked to how severe my side effects are. If I'm having a rough day, like today with these mouth sores, I tend to be more grumpy.

Yes, just like the cat. Duhh.

Sometimes I forget that my hair is gone. Out of habit in the shower I'll reach up to my head to run my hands through it. And then you're hit with that realization, it's gone. Or I will lay down to read and I'll reach for my ponytail to pull it out of my way. I'll bend to grab a hair tie I found on the floor and it's like a blow to the stomach. I'll see a family photo on the wall and notice how my hair fell to my waist. And now it doesn't exist.

Hair really is an essential part to our character. Bald may be beautiful but for some women, like myself, our hair was a crucial part of our identity. I was born with a full head of hair- this is the first time in my life I've been bald. I wouldn't say it gets easier with time but you do get used to it.

That first week after I shaved my head I couldn't even look at in the mirror. Now I don't flinch. I don't hesitate. I still see me.

Cancer and baldness really are an entwined image in our society. So entwined. I never go out in scarves anymore, I always wear wigs. That is mostly because I feel better in my wigs but also because then no one stares at me. When I do my grocery shopping I would like to get through the store without the, 'Oh she has cancer!' stares. It's just good for the soul.

Adrian has become so accustomed to my bald head that going around the house with nothing on it is as simple as it can be. He really has been a darling throughout this. He's been worried about his mom which is normal so he's been my little shadow. We decorated Easter eggs, had an Easter egg hunt, and spent time with family. He saw me struggling to eat my soup and brought me a fruit snake, an apple, and water. Apparently that is his magic remedy. Kids are the best. I love that goober to pieces.

Just last night, my mom was talking about how when I was diagnosed and the first words out of my mouth were, "What about Adrian?" I forgot about that- that entire meeting with the surgeon is like a roaring blur. But that's right- the first thought I had upon hearing I had cancer was about my little boy and his well being.

Hair might have been a part of my identity but motherhood is a far larger one. And that is something that can't be taken away from me.

Hair will grow back. It's just hair.

Who needs hair when you have a Meg Ryan wig?

Fluid Day!

I've been lax on updating this week! 

Well round three of chemotherapy is done. Now we're just dealing with the side effects while we wait for round four. Getting there one step at a time!

The side effects have been a bit more brutal on me this time. The nasuea this week has been brutal but today I finally started feeling more normal. Having a bit of bone pain, mouth sores, and dehydration ontop of it though. But I get by. Had my appointment for bloodwork and fluids today and that should help perk me up for the weekend. I just can't wait until this is all over with and I feel normal again!

I love the Cancer Clinic- they are just simply wonderful. I told the nurse I was hungry and she brought me soup, applesauce, and cereal bars at top speed. 

Another wonderful group that I would like to mention is Pink Heals. They came through the clinic today in their pink gear and gave us all hugs and kind words. It really is a great group. If you don't know much about them check out their Facebook page! They help women, men, and children with cancer throughout Manitowoc county. They are having a fundraiser in May to celebrate their pink firetruck- I'll post a link later on when I get to a regular computer. 

I'm getting excited to graduate with my Bachelor's in May! Next week I'll purchase my cap and gown so I am pretty stoked about that. I have to start thinking of ideas of what to decorate my cap with. I might have to incorporate this little cancer road bump onto it. After all, I am pretty awesome for managing to keep my head above water with school while battling cancer. And getting A's while I do it!

Just goes to show, don't mess with me. 

They left me alone with the medical equipment today, oh boy look at this needle!

Isn't that thing huge? That's the needle they use to access the port that is in my chest. So basically for blood work, fluids, chemotherapy- everything. I get stabbed (well, they're more gentle than that) with one of those at least three times a week. When I'm getting my chemo it stays in the whole time which is nicer than getting repoked. I never realized how big that needle was until today when I looked at it and saw how large it was. Yikes! 

The nurses here are like magicians with it though- I barely ever feel it when they access it so that's always good. You just have to try not to think about it. 

Honestly, after this I'm going to be one tough cookie when it comes to medical business. 

So that's my update for today- sorry for the delay! My dad's in town from Colorado so we've been spending a lot of time with him and his girlfriend, Sue. It's great to have more family around! I can't wait until my sister comes for my next treatment too. All the extra support is wonderful right now. 

Until next time! 

(Still waiting for Dr. McHottie to call me from Baycare but I think he forgot about me.)