Also have had WICKED mouth sores from the chemo. And I mean WICKED. These aren't the run of the mill mouth sores I had last time. This is even worse. The pain is just horrible. I haven't been able to eat a good sized meal in two days because the pain is so bad. I'm hoping they will improve tomorrow. They prescribed me a mouth wash that numbs my mouth and that helps for a little while. Even if I'm drooling on myself.
Man, cancer sure makes you feel pretty.
Speaking of pretty things, been having some struggles with the hair loss. Maybe the shock has worn off and now I've fully realized that my long, gorgeous hair is gone.
It's easy to be brave when you're in shock. Now I find myself looking through old Facebook pictures with a sort of masochistic feel. Only sometimes. IT'S JUST HAIR.
But my hair friggen rocked.
It will grow back. It will. And my wigs are gorgeous.
Sometimes I'm fine with it. Maybe not FINE but I accept it. Like I said in the hair post, I need to own my power in this fight. Making the decision to shave my head rather than waiting for it to fall out day by day was a way of doing that.
I notice that my optimism tends to be linked to how severe my side effects are. If I'm having a rough day, like today with these mouth sores, I tend to be more grumpy.
Yes, just like the cat. Duhh.
Sometimes I forget that my hair is gone. Out of habit in the shower I'll reach up to my head to run my hands through it. And then you're hit with that realization, it's gone. Or I will lay down to read and I'll reach for my ponytail to pull it out of my way. I'll bend to grab a hair tie I found on the floor and it's like a blow to the stomach. I'll see a family photo on the wall and notice how my hair fell to my waist. And now it doesn't exist.
Hair really is an essential part to our character. Bald may be beautiful but for some women, like myself, our hair was a crucial part of our identity. I was born with a full head of hair- this is the first time in my life I've been bald. I wouldn't say it gets easier with time but you do get used to it.
That first week after I shaved my head I couldn't even look at in the mirror. Now I don't flinch. I don't hesitate. I still see me.
Cancer and baldness really are an entwined image in our society. So entwined. I never go out in scarves anymore, I always wear wigs. That is mostly because I feel better in my wigs but also because then no one stares at me. When I do my grocery shopping I would like to get through the store without the, 'Oh she has cancer!' stares. It's just good for the soul.
Adrian has become so accustomed to my bald head that going around the house with nothing on it is as simple as it can be. He really has been a darling throughout this. He's been worried about his mom which is normal so he's been my little shadow. We decorated Easter eggs, had an Easter egg hunt, and spent time with family. He saw me struggling to eat my soup and brought me a fruit snake, an apple, and water. Apparently that is his magic remedy. Kids are the best. I love that goober to pieces.
Just last night, my mom was talking about how when I was diagnosed and the first words out of my mouth were, "What about Adrian?" I forgot about that- that entire meeting with the surgeon is like a roaring blur. But that's right- the first thought I had upon hearing I had cancer was about my little boy and his well being.
Hair might have been a part of my identity but motherhood is a far larger one. And that is something that can't be taken away from me.
Hair will grow back. It's just hair.
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| Who needs hair when you have a Meg Ryan wig? |
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