Day Three: Halfway there!

We're at the halfway point with my chemo! The time is just flying by doing this outpatient. Way better than the hospital. I feel better too- hospitals suck. You never feel fully rested at a hospital.

I found a new little nerdy grumpy cat to be my friend at the clinic.

He's pretty neat. He's a bit more portable than the other grumpy cat.

Everything is going great and the side effects haven't been too bad. Starting to feel some more fatigue but really in the mornings I feel great and I could just go, go, go! I won't start feeling icky until after the chemo ends most likely so I have a two more days of feeling somewhat normal yet.

The animals have been sticking to me like glue while I've been having this chemo. They already were pretty clingy before but now it's even worse. As I write this both of them are sitting almost on top of me.

Being at home is the best healing power. I have my family, my pets, my own couch, and better food. Definitely makes more sense. My doctor said everything looks like it's working great so that's good. I'll get some blood work done tomorrow to check all my levels- the usual dealio.

My sister is coming tomorrow night so I am super excited for that! It's going to be great having her here.

The sun is not my friend. Got more sun burnt today just sitting in the car! Chemo and sunlight doesn't mix. Pro tip: while being injected with chemo hide under tons of sunblock and wear giant Sex in the City hats.

My freckles are going crazy. Look at this!

Well, guess you can't see them super well but it matches the red wig. I feel like I'm in incognito when I go out and about I look so different. 

Thanks for all the support everyone- halfway through this treatment! We're getting there day by day! 

Day Two! Sunshine and rainbows!

Well, maybe no rainbows. But certainly sunshine! I can't stress enough how HAPPY I am not to be in the hospital right now. Happy, happy, happy! What a difference this is making on my mental health through this process. YAHOO!

Woke up feeling pretty decent just a little tired. Had my steroids and that certainly boosted my energy. Those things make me so hyper. Which I notice way more now that I'm not in the hospital because now I have the freedom to actually go DO something.

We enjoyed the sunshine today- went to the park after school and took a walk on the beach with my mom and Adrian. Adrian was in heaven and so was I. Nothing like some sunshine and quality family time to lift your spirits.

After that had to pop in the clinic for a fluid boost and a refill on my chemo bag. That will be the routine until Friday- just have to come in once a day for fluids and more chemo and then I can go home again.

Got a beautiful bracelet, a stress ball, and a pin from at the clinic today from this organization called Angel On My Shoulders:

The writing on the bracelet has this saying on it which is just wonderful:

What Cancer Cannot Do:

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot quench the spirit.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

Awesome. And so true. So that was a nice freebie. :)

My CT scan is all scheduled for next week so I am excited to get that done. Seeing the tumor pretty much vanquished on the x-ray is nice and all but I want percentages. We know there's some left but HOW much? I want details. All the details. It's weird when you're going through this: I wasn't nearly as excited about my good results as I should have been. I think it's because even though they're good I knew I still had to undergo all these treatments. I'm happy it's working (duh) but it's hard to feel over the moon about anything until this chemo is done with. Every bad day feels a century long while the good days whisk by so fast you barely can enjoy them. 

But I'm a fighter. I always have been in every other aspect of my life and this is no different.

Cancer picked the wrong bizznitch to mess with. 

Portable chemo for the win!

Well today was a long haul at the chemo clinic getting everything set up for this at home chemo business. The day started off rough because my port was deciding not to give blood. Which means that the veins aren't flowing in the right way. Or something. Nothing serious to worry about though. Had to be poked over and over and over again so I was not a happy camper. I'm not a pincushion people. First power tools and now this. But we finally got underway and my bloodwork looks awesome.

We ran the first round of chemotherapy (the Rituxan) in the clinic, pumped me up full of premeds, fluids, and I went through my 'pump' training.

Check this thing out:

Pretty cool! It'd be even better in pink but even so it's not too bad. It has a long strap and a short one so I can wear it like a shoulder bag or a crossbody. Or a fanny pack but we don't do that around here. No fanny packs for me!

So all three of my chemo drugs are in here along with some fluids. I'll report back to the clinic every day to get a new bag, and more fluids and be on my way again! I am so ecstatic not to have to stay in the hospital anymore. This is beyond awesome. Definitely has boosted my morale BIG TIME. 

That's one big bag:

So day one is underway! At home now and can enjoy the sunshine (as I hide underneath five pounds of sunscreen and umbrellas) with my kiddo. Sunshine and chemo patients aren't supposed to mix which sucks. I noticed my freckles are getting seriously out of hand. They match the auburn wig so whateves.

Apparently I am the first person at the Two Rivers clinic to get the out-patient DA R EPOC chemotherapy treatment. I'm glad I spoke up to my doctor- if other clinics all over the place are doing it, why not here too? Maybe I started a chemo revolution.

That's all for now! My CAT scan is all scheduled for after this treatment so we can see a more detailed progress so excited for that. 

Last weekend of feeling totally normal!

Phew. I lied to you all about keeping up with the blog. In all honesty I have been enjoying this nice weather with my kiddo because I have been feeling GOOD the past few days. Almost back to normal!

And the irony, as always: just in time to go back to chemotherapy tomorrow. Of course. Makes it harder to deal with because you start feeling like a regular human again and then you know you have to start the process of misery all over again.

But that misery is killing the cancer. We want it nice and dead. So I will remain optimistic. Maybe this round won't be as bad as the last one was.

Today me and the munchkin had some epic adventures around town to enjoy my last day of feeling like my old self.

Love this little boy. Every second I feel good I make sure to spend with him and taking him to do as many fun things as we can squeeze in. He's a happy camper today.

And he's going to be even more happy now that mom doesn't have to go to the hospital anymore. 

My wig sure is awesome but one thing I learned today: wind is NOT my friend with that wig on. It stays on good but it gets so tangled up. Just like your real hair would but you can't just yank your fingers through it. If you do that you can break your wig or rip it off your head. Which might incidentally make you the talking point of the playground.

Wigs are great and all but they sure aren't easy. But they do help boost my spirits up when I wear them so I find it worthwhile. But I can easily see why many women skip them and stick to hats. Much more comfy.

So that's all for now kids. Tomorrow we'll have some exciting updates to see how out-patient chemotherapy works! Probably spend most of the morning at the clinic before they release me but they have cozy warm blankets and super doting nurses there so it's not all bad.

A Big Post of Love!

I have been majorly slacking on my blog! Don't worry everyone- everything is okay. I had a wicked case of mouth sores caused by the chemo after this past treatment and that caused me pure misery. I couldn't eat anything except broth and it was horrible. I love food. Now that they're better I plan on gorging myself on pizza!!

Seriously, those mouth sores made me feel like hell and I just couldn't bring myself to write. They pumped me full of extra fluids to make up for the days I didn't eat and now that they're healing everything is A-OK. 

Those mouth sores are horrible. I don't think there is anything worse than oral pain. Thank goodness those have cleared up. 

I start round four on Monday- over halfway through!! I'll post more details on that in a next post (in a timely fashion) since my next treatments won't be in the hospital! They'll do a CAT scan after this next treatment (like right before the 5th one) so we'll see the progress in more detail than the X-Ray showed.

But first Adrian and I would like to say: 

To everyone that has been helping me through this battle. It really is true when they say that no one fights alone!

I went to visit UW-Manitowoc yesterday and I was overwhelmed by how much the campus community is doing to help me and my family during this fight. Seriously, my heart could just explode it feels so much love. This email should be sent out via the campus system but I'm sharing it on here too. <3

To the wonderful UW-Manitowoc community:

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I came by campus today to visit and I was overwhelmed by the level of support I received. It absolutely means the world to me to see the fundraising for my family during this difficult time. Thank you Student Senate, the Learning Center, and everyone else that has donated money/bought a bracelet. And of course, thank you to everyone for thinking of me and those that have donated to my GoFundMe account.

Battling cancer can be a lonely journey and at times you can lose your faith in the world for being dealt such a horrible hand. Seeing how much everyone on campus has come together to help me during this time has really made me appreciate how beautiful humanity can be. I have always loved being a part of the UW-Manitowoc community since I first started school. We really have something special on this campus. Time and again I have always recommended this school to any prospective student. I will never forget what you all are doing for me right now. This amount of support and love is just one of the many ways that makes our campus unique and awesome.

Thank you all. It means the world to me to know that I have your support in this fight.

Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say my heart might explode. I love you guys. Those bracelets are awesome. I miss you all!

I also want to take the time to thank an awesome nurse from Aurora hospital named Nancy. She was super sweet (as were many of them) during my last chemotherapy stay there. On one of my last days she asked to take a picture of me (just the way I am now- no wigs) to show my bravery. Today I came home to find this beautiful framed picture in my doorway:

Again, with the heart exploding. Thank you Nancy- I wish I had a way to contact you but I know some of the nurses know about my blog so maybe you will see this. I love it and I will definitely remember my strength when this is all said and done.

I also want to thank this awesome chick: 

My dear Alicia... for coming once a week since I have started treatment simply just to help with cleaning. I owe you big time after this Lucious. I'll come clean your house every time you get sick for like ever! (Side note: putting a bald picture next to a picture with all my hair is really shocking to look at)

As always with these treatments my last few days before the next one is when I finally feel "totally" normal with absolutely no side effects. It's fabulous. I'm going to enjoy my last few days before the next treatment comes along.

I'll use that time to work on catching my blog up to speed. And with any post that focuses on specific groups of people- that's not exclusive. I love and thank you that have been my rocks during this time. <3

In other big life exciting news I got my cap and gown yesterday for graduation. I think I deserve a life sized man in a kilt as a present for graduating while I'm battling cancer. 

Oh, they don't give men in kilts as presents? That might be a bit objectifying. 

How about this guy? I'll marry him and treat him like my sun and stars.

So just so you guys know, he's what I want for my graduation present. It'd be more helpful if he came out of a cake dancing. Yup, get on that.

So onward to enjoy my last few days of feeling like my old self before the next round of poison sets in!

The Cancer Bald Blahs

I don't know why I haven't been motivated to write lately. I've had family in town so I've been a bit busier than normal so that's part of it.

Also have had WICKED mouth sores from the chemo. And I mean WICKED. These aren't the run of the mill mouth sores I had last time. This is even worse. The pain is just horrible. I haven't been able to eat a good sized meal in two days because the pain is so bad. I'm hoping they will improve tomorrow. They prescribed me a mouth wash that numbs my mouth and that helps for a little while. Even if I'm drooling on myself.

Man, cancer sure makes you feel pretty.

Speaking of pretty things, been having some struggles with the hair loss. Maybe the shock has worn off and now I've fully realized that my long, gorgeous hair is gone.

It's easy to be brave when you're in shock. Now I find myself looking through old Facebook pictures with a sort of masochistic feel. Only sometimes. IT'S JUST HAIR.

But my hair friggen rocked.

It will grow back. It will. And my wigs are gorgeous.

Sometimes I'm fine with it. Maybe not FINE but I accept it. Like I said in the hair post, I need to own my power in this fight. Making the decision to shave my head rather than waiting for it to fall out day by day was a way of doing that.

I notice that my optimism tends to be linked to how severe my side effects are. If I'm having a rough day, like today with these mouth sores, I tend to be more grumpy.

Yes, just like the cat. Duhh.

Sometimes I forget that my hair is gone. Out of habit in the shower I'll reach up to my head to run my hands through it. And then you're hit with that realization, it's gone. Or I will lay down to read and I'll reach for my ponytail to pull it out of my way. I'll bend to grab a hair tie I found on the floor and it's like a blow to the stomach. I'll see a family photo on the wall and notice how my hair fell to my waist. And now it doesn't exist.

Hair really is an essential part to our character. Bald may be beautiful but for some women, like myself, our hair was a crucial part of our identity. I was born with a full head of hair- this is the first time in my life I've been bald. I wouldn't say it gets easier with time but you do get used to it.

That first week after I shaved my head I couldn't even look at in the mirror. Now I don't flinch. I don't hesitate. I still see me.

Cancer and baldness really are an entwined image in our society. So entwined. I never go out in scarves anymore, I always wear wigs. That is mostly because I feel better in my wigs but also because then no one stares at me. When I do my grocery shopping I would like to get through the store without the, 'Oh she has cancer!' stares. It's just good for the soul.

Adrian has become so accustomed to my bald head that going around the house with nothing on it is as simple as it can be. He really has been a darling throughout this. He's been worried about his mom which is normal so he's been my little shadow. We decorated Easter eggs, had an Easter egg hunt, and spent time with family. He saw me struggling to eat my soup and brought me a fruit snake, an apple, and water. Apparently that is his magic remedy. Kids are the best. I love that goober to pieces.

Just last night, my mom was talking about how when I was diagnosed and the first words out of my mouth were, "What about Adrian?" I forgot about that- that entire meeting with the surgeon is like a roaring blur. But that's right- the first thought I had upon hearing I had cancer was about my little boy and his well being.

Hair might have been a part of my identity but motherhood is a far larger one. And that is something that can't be taken away from me.

Hair will grow back. It's just hair.

Who needs hair when you have a Meg Ryan wig?

Fluid Day!

I've been lax on updating this week! 

Well round three of chemotherapy is done. Now we're just dealing with the side effects while we wait for round four. Getting there one step at a time!

The side effects have been a bit more brutal on me this time. The nasuea this week has been brutal but today I finally started feeling more normal. Having a bit of bone pain, mouth sores, and dehydration ontop of it though. But I get by. Had my appointment for bloodwork and fluids today and that should help perk me up for the weekend. I just can't wait until this is all over with and I feel normal again!

I love the Cancer Clinic- they are just simply wonderful. I told the nurse I was hungry and she brought me soup, applesauce, and cereal bars at top speed. 

Another wonderful group that I would like to mention is Pink Heals. They came through the clinic today in their pink gear and gave us all hugs and kind words. It really is a great group. If you don't know much about them check out their Facebook page! They help women, men, and children with cancer throughout Manitowoc county. They are having a fundraiser in May to celebrate their pink firetruck- I'll post a link later on when I get to a regular computer. 

I'm getting excited to graduate with my Bachelor's in May! Next week I'll purchase my cap and gown so I am pretty stoked about that. I have to start thinking of ideas of what to decorate my cap with. I might have to incorporate this little cancer road bump onto it. After all, I am pretty awesome for managing to keep my head above water with school while battling cancer. And getting A's while I do it!

Just goes to show, don't mess with me. 

They left me alone with the medical equipment today, oh boy look at this needle!

Isn't that thing huge? That's the needle they use to access the port that is in my chest. So basically for blood work, fluids, chemotherapy- everything. I get stabbed (well, they're more gentle than that) with one of those at least three times a week. When I'm getting my chemo it stays in the whole time which is nicer than getting repoked. I never realized how big that needle was until today when I looked at it and saw how large it was. Yikes! 

The nurses here are like magicians with it though- I barely ever feel it when they access it so that's always good. You just have to try not to think about it. 

Honestly, after this I'm going to be one tough cookie when it comes to medical business. 

So that's my update for today- sorry for the delay! My dad's in town from Colorado so we've been spending a lot of time with him and his girlfriend, Sue. It's great to have more family around! I can't wait until my sister comes for my next treatment too. All the extra support is wonderful right now. 

Until next time! 

(Still waiting for Dr. McHottie to call me from Baycare but I think he forgot about me.)