Ding, Ding, Ding! You have cancer!

Results day. February 3, 2015. That will always be a memorable day for me. They originally wanted me to wait one more day but being the pushy person I am- I pushed for a sooner appointment.

I kind of regretted that later.

The instant the surgeon walked in the room I could see it on his face. He was giving me those big doe funeral eyes.

He handed me a few sheets of paper. Who knew that something so life shattering could be condensed to a few pieces of paper?

Lymphoma.
        Cancer.
              Cancer.

You fucking have cancer.

Well, that's not how he said it but that's how I heard it. I could hear the regret in his voice and I could tell this was probably the worst part of his morning. He was probably going to go home and tell his wife, 'Hunny, I had a shitty day at work.'

Yeah, well. That was a shitty day for everyone. 

I've heard people talk about tunnel vision when they hear bad news and I thought I've felt it before. When my son was diagnosed with spina bifida at barely a week old is the closest feeling I've had to that. (He is totally and utterly fine now- thank you for some blessings.) 

This was a different tunnel vision. This wasn't the type of tunnel that you are sprinting down to throw yourself in front of a train to save your loved one. You are the train. You are the cancer.

I didn't cry. I just went into a numb shock. A shock I still feel like I'm living each day. It still doesn't seem real- how the hell can you have cancer when you feel just fine?

So that sucked. My mom and I wandered around Baycare hospital (my new home away from home) in a state of numb disbelief. 

We just wanted a moment alone and I still can't find their fucking cancer garden. Seriously, where is that thing? Not that I thought a garden (especially in the middle of a WI winter) would make me feel better but damn we just wanted a moment's peace.

We found a gift shop instead.

And that was when my mom bought me grumpy cat. I told her then and there he was my new cancer buddy. Because I'm just as pissed off as grumpy cat is about rainbows. 

My new teammate.

So this is how grumpy cat came to be. I'm more of the type of person that represses their emotions, makes bad jokes, and uses sarcasm to deal with stress. So grumpy cat is my cancer theme. Is that a thing? It is now.