One of the ladies at the cancer clinic said that's pretty typical.
That's making me dread the process even more. I feel like today is my last good day and then I'm subjected to at least another eleven days of feeling like crap.
But that's how we kill the cancer. Have to keep reminding myself that. I was having some random paranoid thoughts last night (the whole "what if I'm going to be the scary 3% and not survive" type) and I told my doctor about it. Dr. Saphner being the awesome guy he is said that we can do a chest x-ray after this chemotherapy to see how much the tumor has shrank to help reassure me. YES. DIE TUMOR DIE.
So that's sweet. Honestly I wish we could do an x-ray every time to see that baby dying but blah, blah radiation. But anyways, that's cool and I feel loads better. Having an awesome doctor through this process is really key.
But the new side effect we have isssss... (drumroll):
Horrible scalp pain.
See when my hair started falling out we buzzed it. Well, I had no idea your hair follicles would be so angry. I was in huge amounts of pain the past few days until today I finally couldn't take it and I had my mom shave my head. So now I really have an egg. The left over hair being yanked around by caps, scarves, or my wig was horribly painful. To the point of tears painful. Imagine someone poking you with tiny, tiny cactus needles on the top of your head. It was kinda like that.
But ohhhhh, happy hair follicles. Now I can wear my wig with no pain!!! I mean, it still hurts a little but not all bad.
Yaaaay for my beautiful wig! I feel like a normal person again! It's amazing how much hair is tied to our identity. It really is. Every time I've gone anywhere in my scarf I've had this whole underlining 'ugh, I'm bald' feeling. And it doesn't help that my scarves (no matter how gorgeous) mark me out as someone with cancer. I am beyond ecstatic to have my head feeling more normal to wear a wig. And plus it's way warmer. Wisconsin winter is not the place to be sportin' a bald head.
But I'm not going to bother with it at chemo. No point at all- that's the one place that my bald head is really part of the norm so I'll just sport my caps and scarves.
I'll keep you all updated during the chemo process this week. They are turning up the dosage so I'm curious and apprehensive to see how this impacts me this time around. Each chemotherapy session they will increase the dosage until I can't handle it anymore. That's literally the words they said. Nope, not intimidated at all...
It's hard to be filled with witty comments the night before. To be honest, I'm just filled with dread. I finally feel normal and now I get to feel like crap all over again.
Gotta be strong though. And what's my main source of strength?
This little guy right here. How can you not stay strong when you have this beautiful face looking up to you? I hate how this is putting a darkness on his childhood. One of my biggest priorities has always been making sure he has the most enriching and wonderful childhood I can give him. But this is teaching him strength and adversity when faced with an obstacle. And that's crucial. I hope he looks back on this and remembers how strong his momma was. Or he won't remember much except my egg head. Which is fine too.
I can be strong for him. <3
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